As-salamu alaykum - I'm Drawn to Islam but I'm Unsure
As-salamu alaykum everyone, Sorry if this sounds naive or worriesome - I'm still learning and quite confused. I'm a pretty ordinary white woman in my early 20s and lately I've been feeling a strong pull toward Islam, which is strange to me because I haven't felt this about religion before. My interest began after my sister became very close to a Muslim friend. That friend has since passed away, and whenever we visit her grave I get overwhelmed with emotion. It's heartbreaking to be there, but what really touches me is the atmosphere - the recitation, the prayer mats and space, the traditions, and the warmth and kindness of the people who come. I used to think I wasn't religious because I didn't know what was out there, but now I feel like maybe I don't need to be 100% certain. I could be someone trying to live kindly and move closer to faith. I'm scared and confused because I live somewhere with very few Muslims, and I don't know how practising would work for me. How do you observe the prayers when you have a job and no mosque nearby? Who teaches me the basics - like how to pray properly - if there isn't an imam or community around? I worry about fitting Islam into my life. I work in a place where I need to stay fairly neutral, and I wonder whether people would treat me differently if I wore a hijab. Can someone wear a hijab and still be learning, making mistakes, and not yet "perfect" in their practice? I also fear not being a good Muslim woman. I struggle with things like premarital relations and smoking - habits I feel guilty about - and I'm not sure I could stop them right away. Maybe I'm not ready yet. Will I ever be ready? I'm really overwhelmed and keep postponing finding support because it's scary to do this on my own when nobody around me understands. Saying I'm Muslim or wearing a hijab doesn't frighten me as much as the fear that I won't live up to what I want to be. JazakAllahu khayran for any advice or encouragement. Even small tips on where to begin with prayer, learning, or finding modest ways to show faith at work would mean a lot. I get emotional writing this because I feel a lot of guilt, but I also feel hope.