As-salamu alaykum - How do I handle a close friend born Muslim who now lives very differently?
As-salamu alaykum. I’ve been close with someone for over 13 years - we grew up together, both born Muslim - but we’ve become very different people. She’s non-practising and recently told me she’s a closeted atheist around her family, while I’ve been trying to reconnect with my faith and be more intentional about my values.
The friendship has started to feel really difficult to navigate. She often says things that come off as internalised Islamophobia or racist, and she’s made it clear she doesn’t like religious people. I don’t bring up religion with her because it feels unsafe, but she’ll openly talk about the men she’s been intimate with - often Christian and religious - and how they use religion to cope. It feels unfair that she can share her views and experiences freely, but I end up shrinking mine.
There’s also a pattern of comments that make me feel small or judged - about my body, my work, or my choices - and her lifestyle (drinking, smoking, performing at clubs/pole dancing) is very different from mine. I’m not trying to police her choices, but it’s exhausting that she keeps bringing them up when I’m trying to set some distance.
I tried to be honest and talked to her about what bothered me, not to attack but to be clear, and she didn’t take it well. Now it feels like she might cut me off because she thinks I was trying to cut her off. I’m hurt - I’ve been one of the few people who genuinely had her back while most of her other friendships stayed surface-level.
How do I handle this? Am I a bad Muslim for wanting to distance myself and being upfront about it? Am I wrong for not wanting to be around her because of these reasons? Am I representing Islam poorly by not being endlessly forgiving/understanding/patien