As-salamu alaykum - a cry for help
As-salamu alaykum to whoever reads this. I’m sorry for adding another sad post, I know there are a lot of these out there and I don’t want to weigh on anyone, but I’m really reaching out because I’m struggling. I was born into Islam, but my early experience with the deen was really traumatic. Growing up, one of my parents would tell me awful things - that Allah didn’t want me, that I was somehow banished, that I didn’t deserve to be a Muslim or to increase my iman or read Qur’an. I can see now that those words came from their own pain, and they lashed out at me because of what they were going through. I forgive them, especially since I can tell they’re dealing with deep mental issues (they still haven’t gotten professional help, but that’s another topic). All that childhood damage has left me with major problems in how I connect to my faith. On top of mistakes I made in high school (which I take full responsibility for), I developed severe scrupulous OCD that pretty much runs my life. Thoughts and urges about shirk - blasphemous images or feelings - keep attacking me and it’s killing me inside. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and sometimes I’ve come close to trying, but the fear of the punishment in the afterlife is the only thing holding me back. Since trying to reconnect and learn more, I’ve been overwhelmed with conflicting information and opinions, and it’s made me more confused. OCD tends to fixate on one thing and chew it up forever. Lately it’s been about tawassul - whether invoking the Prophet’s status or love in dua is okay, how to phrase things, what’s allowed and what’s not. I know in general that calling on Allah, mentioning His names, asking righteous people to make dua is acceptable, but my brain keeps spinning about whether a certain form of tawassul is shirk. I’m not a scholar and I don’t want to start a debate here, the point is that this fear paralyzes me. I get suicidal from an unhealthy, frozen fear of committing shirk. My head keeps shouting “you’re not a Muslim,” “your tawheed is ruined,” “keep researching,” and it never stops. Even worship feels like a compulsion now instead of comfort. I haven’t been able to get professional help for the OCD because I don’t have the money - I’m a university student and I need to save for school stuff. My education has really suffered; I feel checked out and like something else is controlling my body and thoughts. On top of my own issues, I watch my family and it hurts. My older brother has gained a lot of weight and seems distant from the religion after what happened to us - it was brutal, and I don’t want to go into details here online. I feel for the parent who caused the hurt too, they’ve become very self-destructive. The other parent who carried most of the burden is strong, but they can’t really comfort me about my shaky relationship with Allah right now. I’ve fantasized about ending my life and I’ve come close, but I can’t go through with it. I don’t know how I would answer to Allah. I believe He’s the Most Forgiving and also the One who holds us accountable. Deep down I do want to live, maybe get married, have kids, find peace. But at the moment life feels unbearable. I know about waswasa and that we aren’t held for thoughts outside our control, but knowing that doesn’t stop the panic. I honestly don’t know what to do. The only thing that keeps me going is the belief that there is only One God. May Allah ease this trial and guide me. If anyone has similar experience or gentle advice, I’d be grateful - but please keep it kind and from a Muslim perspective. Thank you for reading.