Afraid to Make Dua Again and Struggling with Resentment
As-salamu alaykum. A few years ago I begged Allah to help me get top grades and graduate with honors. I made a lot of dua, read the Qur'an every day, fasted, prayed tahajjud, including nights of Laylat al-Qadr, and did what I thought would help my duas be accepted. I worked hard too - at one point I was ranked first in my class and people were even saying I might be valedictorian. I started saying extra dua for protection from the evil eye when others praised me. When the big exams came I was very anxious and recited supplications for calm. The exams went terribly - I felt like I couldn’t answer anything. Even though I still praised Allah and tried to keep hope, the final results were just a few points short of what I wanted. I felt humiliated, desperate, and like all the years of effort and prayer were wasted. I watched people who don’t seem to care about worship get the outcomes I wanted and wondered why Allah wouldn’t help me. Since then I’ve been afraid to make dua or to fully commit to studying. I developed a fear of failure so I hold back and don’t give my best. Recently I tried to cram for finals - two weeks of 10+ hours - and I prayed while revising and felt some relief. After the exams, I realized how my academic trauma had held me back and I felt betrayed again, so I stopped praying. My mind is full of negative thoughts and I can’t shake the feeling that Allah doesn’t care about me. I’ve been struggling with depression for two years; neither dua, therapy, nor prayer seems to help. I keep holding resentment toward Allah. I replay things in my head - if certain moments had been different, I’d be okay. I even find myself thinking life might be easier if I didn’t believe, because it feels like others get what they want while I’m left asking for something small like good grades. I don’t deliberately sin, I’m just exhausted and can’t function properly. I blame Allah for raising my hopes only to leave me disappointed. I feel foolish for pouring my heart out in prayer and not getting a direct answer, like acceptance depends on whim. I’m sharing this because I don’t know how to trust Allah again, how to make dua without fear, or how to stop resenting Him after repeated disappointment. I want to believe in His wisdom, but my heart is heavy and I don’t know where to start. JazakAllahu khair for listening.