A Realisation About Abusive Mothers, Sister

I'll try to keep this brief Epiphany one: We can't really talk about abusive parents without generalising a bit - it tends to happen. But no two abusive mothers are identical. No two lives are identical. You might think we're describing the same person, but we're not. I don't know what made her the way she is in your case; I only know mine. They might act the same way - shout, insult, belittle, misunderstand, seem not to care - but you are not me and my mother is not your mother. The only One who truly knows the why and the how is Allah. He is your sole Witness, and it's a relief not to have to justify yourself before Him about the injustice. He knows, and He will give everyone their due sooner or later - and that's a comfort. Epiphany two: This one hit me harder. If you put two columns side by side - one with all her hurtful traits and the other with all the qualities you hoped she would show when you were a child or now as an adult - you'll find many of the good qualities simply aren't sustainable. She can't be tender all the time, caring all the time, a good listener all the time, friendly all the time, respectful all the time, etc. And I'm talking even about a relatively normal parent who, when not showing those things, at least doesn't hurt you. Not even I can be those things constantly, and seeing a child's needs you assume that's how it must be. But, dear sister, you and I share something unique that no one else in the world has: Islam. I used to search for how to deal with an abusive mother, how to please her when she was cruel - how to fulfil that important command in our deen that comes right after tawheed. I used to get so annoyed at some of the scholars' advice that sounded like: "Yes, obey your mother, so just suck it up and be good to her," or "Be patient - it's only a few years until marriage." That was how it sounded to me. Where am I in that scenario? Where are my needs, my peace? I need some peace just to meet half of her expectations of me. Sister, there is more to Allah than demanding kindness and servitude to parents without giving you anything in return. I'm not only speaking about the reward of the patient on the Day of Judgement, though that's huge. There's also an immediate consolation, hidden in His Names. A Name is not just a trait, it's everlasting: - The Ever-Forgiving - The Most Merciful - The Provider - The Supreme Solver - The Subtle, The Most Gentle - The Most Appreciative - The Responsive One - The Most Loving - The Protecting Friend - The Most Kind - The Benefactor - The Forbearing, The Patient Tell me, sister: all the things you longed for in her - can't you find those qualities already in Him, the One who is constant and closest to you than your own veins? Nothing and no one you face as a Muslim woman is placed before you except as a test, to help you grow. To ask you: "Servant of Allah, will you grow?" What a person without faith lacks is the understanding that a bad mother is not the end of mercy and love in your life. It's not the end of tenderness, gentleness, or goodness, and it's certainly not a reason to destroy the plants in your own soul. On the contrary. Have you ever wondered why the Prophet ﷺ, when describing Allah's mercy, pointed to a mother rushing to protect her child - that fierce, protective love? He didn't point to a relaxed mother, not to a father, not to a pet or a friend. He pointed to that mother at her most protective and loving. And Allah loves you even more than that. Imagine. Sometimes Allah tests us so we learn to appreciate Him more, He who alone deserves our worship. A cruel, unloving mother will make you ask, "Where is love for me?" But you are stronger than anything with Allah - truly stronger than the damage of a broken childhood - because you don't need your parents when you have Allah. The Prophet ﷺ was an orphan, and the Quran speaks abundantly about the care for orphans, because Allah is the Keeper of rights and the One who arranges things. He does not require parents to be the reason for your success; if He wills, He can make them a cause, or not. Consider, emotionally, placing some trust (tawakkul) in the One who made the best of humanity an orphan and yet protected him, loved him, and elevated him despite family harm and loss. I see real potential for healing there, and I wanted to share.