22M - I miss my old friend group and I wish I had a best friend
Assalamu alaikum. tl;dr: Since I really started practicing about 5–6 years ago, I haven't had that best-friend type relationship I used to have. Back in May 2019 I wasn't nearly as practicing as I am now. Honestly, I wasn't taking the deen seriously - I joked about Islam and Allah in ways I wouldn't dream of now. Also, there wasn't a strong Muslim community where I grew up, so most of my friends then weren't Muslim. That month one of my close friends attempted suicide, and for the next eight months until February 2020 I was carrying a lot of stress supporting him. Another friend we knew online had severe depression and suicidal thoughts, and a childhood friend I’d known since 2nd grade was also struggling. It was the most stressful period of my life - more constant than the exam stress I felt even in medical school. Because of the stress and social isolation (the larger friend group more or less pushed us aside), our small circle got very close, including a girl from California who becomes important to the story. In November 2019 I came across something that made me take my deen seriously. I made small lifestyle changes, joined a Muslim community online, and started making Muslim friends. After everything that happened, I did get closer to those Muslim friends. In February 2020 that friend took his life, and after that the tight group slowly fell apart. The girl from California and I were especially close among the few who remained, because we were both closest to the friend who passed. I began to have feelings for her, and the guilt about being close to a non-mahram caused me to cut off that relationship. With COVID lockdowns, the rest of the group drifted away. Life moved on and we all healed - Alhamdulillah, that girl eventually reached out a few years ago and is doing better. Lately I've been feeling empty. I have friends now who are practicing Muslims and have helped me grow in my deen, and I'm grateful to Allah for them. But I don't have that same deep connection I had with the old group. For many of my friends I'm a good friend but not one of their best friends. Online, I'm seldom the one people specifically tag to chat with; I usually join ongoing voice calls or am the one asking people to hang out. My masjid started a youth group a few years back, but I'm about three years older than most there, so people tend to treat me more like a mentor than a peer. In college I had a sister I was close to, but after graduation we agreed it's not appropriate to continue chit-chatting. Now in medical school the Muslim guys are cordial and we study or eat together, but it's not the same kind of close bond. I notice a pattern: I only seem to form those deep friendships during intense situations - trauma, being the only practicing Muslims around, etc. I don't want chaos or hardship just to make friends. I want steady, close bonds. This worries me about marriage too. What I want most in a spouse is a real best friend - someone willing to have my back through thick and thin. But after five years without forming that kind of closeness, I worry how that will ever happen. Any advice from anyone who's rebuilt close, halal friendships or found that best-friend bond in marriage? JazakAllahu khair.