20/f struggling with abusive dad and hijab - need guidance, assalamu alaykum

assalamu alaykum. i've worn the hijab basically since i was a child, maybe around 8 - my friends had it on so i wanted to too. my dad is very religious and was happy about it. as i got older, hijab became just another thing i put on, like a shirt. since last year i've been questioning it more - what it truly means for me, why i wear it, and so on. the last few years have been really awful because of my dad. he’s always been strict and has hit me before, but recently it got much worse. i wasn’t allowed to go out unless he took me and controlled everything. whenever he was upset over something new, it wore me down so much that i stopped wanting friends. now i can’t even leave the house alone. i tried so hard to be the daughter he’d be proud of - cooking, cleaning, caring for my younger brothers, listening when he wanted to talk about his problems. still it never felt like enough. when i started wearing a little makeup to feel better (i have really low self‑confidence), he got angrier. i don’t wear pants, only dresses and long skirts, nothing tight, but he always found fault. i felt like i wasn’t doing it for Allah, like i was never enough in his eyes. things escalated - extreme arguments where he said very hurtful things. i reached a point of harming myself and ended up in the hospital once; i thought that might make him understand, but it didn’t. he called me dramatic, told me to leave them alone, said i was a fitnah at home. despite everything, i kept forgiving him, even after he hit me and left bruises. he begged and cried one time, promising i could study abroad, so i forgave him again. then about two months ago i met a friend and he suddenly stopped speaking to me that day. when i told my mum, he exploded, screaming that i was ruining my parents’ relationship and should leave them alone. i fought back and he hit me and dragged me; my mum and brother had to pull him away. he spat at us and used abusive words. i was so terrified i even wet myself without realizing. i screamed that he ruined me and then he dragged me down the stairs. after that i stopped talking to him. i locked myself in my room for days, then started avoiding him, only going by the kitchen when necessary. he tried to apologize with flowers, letters, messages, snacks - i ignored everything. i feel like i’m waking up and rethinking my life. which brings me to: why am i wearing the hijab? do i pray? not consistently. do i sin? yes. i love Islam and want to follow it better, i want to pray and improve, but right now the hijab makes me feel worse. it feels like i wear it because of him, and he would be devastated if he knew i wanted to take it off. i feel controlled; he hurt me and i can’t stop thinking about him. i’m scared to disappoint him. soon i’ll be going abroad to study - i kept in touch with my aunt and that’s happening - and i keep weighing whether to take it off. my dad always said he feared me going abroad because i’d be influenced and change. he doesn’t know i’ve felt this way for a while. i don’t know what to do. do i take it off quietly after i move and live how i want? do i try to prove to him that i can go abroad and still keep my religion and culture? should i keep it until i’m fully sure? should i keep it to avoid breaking the family even more? the one thing i love most about myself is my hair - i imagine how it would feel to walk outside with it free. i want to choose to put the hijab on when i truly want to, because that’s between me and Allah, not because of fear. but i can’t stop being affected by my dad’s opinions. i’m lost and scared. i’d really appreciate advice, duas, or anything from sisters who have dealt with controlling family situations, leaving harmful environments, or who questioned hijab for personal reasons. thank you for reading.