Why High Achievers Can't Switch Off (And Why Boundaries Sometimes Fail) - As-salaam ‘alaykum

as-salaam ‘alaykum - so here are two directors. both are worn out. both ask the same thing: how do i stop thinking about work? director 1 runs marketing for a 400-person company. fifty-hour weeks. checks email at 10pm. wakes up at 3 a.m. replaying campaigns. i've tried every boundary trick: a digital sunset at 8pm, no work on weekends, meditation, exercise. nothing helped. director 2 runs operations for a 600-person company. sixty-hour weeks minimum. on call for critical issues. travels twice a month. closes laptop at 7pm and doesn't think about work until fajr and starting time. same pressure, similar hours. one couldn't disconnect. one switched off easily. the difference wasn't boundaries or willpower. director 1 disliked the work itself - not the company, not the team, but the politics, stakeholder theater, and the parts of the role she had to do. every boundary felt like an escape from something she should have left. director 2 loved solving operational problems; crisis mode energized him. he didn't need strict boundaries because he wasn't trying to avoid the work. you probably don't have a disconnection problem. you have a misalignment problem. why boundaries often fail set hard stops. protect evenings. don't check email after maghrib. create rituals. i've seen hundreds try this and many still fail - not because they lack discipline but because they're tackling the wrong issue. you can't boundary your way out of fundamentally wrong work. director 1's mind kept racing because she was solving an impossible equation: how do i succeed at something i hate? no evening ritual fixes that. the two types who can't switch off type 1: the misaligned achiever you're skilled at the job but you hate it. senior level, strong performer, good pay, completely drained. the work doesn't use your real strengths. the wins feel hollow. your brain won't stop because it's asking: how do i keep succeeding at something that's wearing me down? director 1 was this. brilliant marketer but couldn't stand leadership politics. she eventually left, took a senior individual contributor role at a smaller company, took a $30k pay cut, and a year later she worked more hours and had no trouble disconnecting. "the work feels meaningful again. i'm not trying to escape it." type 2: the conflict carrier you can't switch off because the work environment is hostile: toxic manager, broken team, impossible expectations, constant undermining. your mind is in survival mode, not problem-solving mode. i saw someone try every technique for eight months. nothing worked. when i asked what she replayed, she described a manager who undermined and shifted blame. she stayed for the résumé. your résumé isn't worth your mental health. she left, found a better role in three months, and said in the first week, "i forgot work could feel normal - i shut off yesterday and didn't think about it once." boundaries don't fix toxicity. leaving or creating distance does. the decision avoider (the one exception) there's a third pattern that looks like trouble switching off but is different: you leave critical decisions unresolved. that unclear project scope, that performance conversation you keep postponing. your mind spins because work is genuinely incomplete. this isn't misalignment. it's decision hygiene. a vp I worked with would replay three problems nightly. when i asked why she hadn't decided, she couldn't say what info she needed. she was avoiding hard choices. we made a rule: no workday ends with a deferred decision that can be made with available information. make the call, accept it might be imperfect, move forward. three weeks later: sleeping fine. this type doesn't need a role change; they need to close open loops before leaving work. if improving decision hygiene doesn't fix it within a month, you're probably type 1 or 2. boundaries won't help. a simple way i assess this now n when someone can't disconnect i ask three quick things: - if you solved your biggest work problem tomorrow, would you feel satisfied or just relieved? satisfied = alignment; relieved = misalignment. - when you have a free hour, do you naturally think about work problems, or do you force yourself to? natural = genuine engagement; forced = you're trying to escape. - if you left your job tomorrow, would you miss the work or just the paycheck? miss the work = alignment; miss the paycheck = misalignment. if you're type 1 or 2, boundaries won't fix it. you need to realign with work that fits your strengths or remove yourself from the toxic situation. and of course make dua and seek counsel from family or mentors as you consider next steps.