Salam - On the rise of toxic dawah culture, the incel mindset, and how to purify our dawah (Long post)

As-salamu alaykum. I posted something like this on my profile hours before I heard a recent podcast that discussed almost the same points - weird timing, but here’s my take. Quick context: I embraced Islam earlier this year after studying Western scholarship and the dawah scene. That path humbled me and made me respect hadith and the scholarly tradition more. I’m not Salafi, but my outlook is broadly orthodox Sunni. The “incel” problem I’ll be blunt: we need to update how we think about the word “incel.” It’s not only about men who can’t get sex - it’s a mindset present in men and women built from resentment, blame, and the need to “win” rather than to understand. You can be a married incel. Who fits that description in our community? Some of the modern, loud dawah guys who talk about women in toxic ways, and the women who respond just as toxically. Together they make marriage look like a transaction or a contest instead of a spiritual, emotional partnership. Both sides pull ideas from un-Islamic extremes: - Certain men borrow anti-Islamic red-pill ideas, hunt for fatwas or stretch rulings to justify them, or invent excuses. - Some women fall into misandry, aligning with ex-Muslim narratives or rejecting hadith to make Islam fit modern ideologies. Mercy, patience, and humility get treated like outdated concepts. Everyone suddenly acts like a relationship expert or a scholar while only knowing loopholes. I’ve even seen men romanticise pre-Islamic abuses - very embarrassing. Drivers of this toxicity • Different methodologies and beliefs: people vary from Qur’an-only types, different sects, and those who reject hadith when it’s inconvenient. Moral standards are inconsistent. • Economic pressures: high cost of living delays marriage, creates loneliness, and makes people view partners like commodities. • Fear of scarcity: worry that potential spouses will pick up toxic ideas. • Unresolved trauma: folks recycle their worst experiences and that shapes a warped discourse. • Intrasexual competition: people try to look superior, judge superficially, or discard relationships that might have worked. • Imported ideologies: non-Muslim cultural norms with low morals influence us more than we admit. • Lack of self-awareness: people enter heavy online debates while anxious and insecure, so their lens is already compromised. Truthfully, many ideologies raise real grievances - but we mustn’t let them wreck optimistic Islamic principles. How did these dawah figures emerge and why didn’t they address feminism well? Post-9/11 realities, anti-Islam rhetoric, and well-funded campaigns attacking Islam pushed many Muslims into public defence. Early figures made real contributions: they fought literal attacks on the foundations of our faith and helped many people. Some were ordinary men without deep formal training who took on big responsibilities. A newer wave built on that work but some now chase views, fame, and ego and are poorly prepared to engage with modern liberalism and feminism. The term “dawah bro” itself was coined to undermine trust; we should stop using phrases that make dawah sound sinister. The way forward - Lead with mercy and adab. Make absence of these the focus of critique in conversations. - Remember “Muslim” isn’t monolithic. Don’t assume everyone shares your method. - Check your biases. Modern ideologies shape how we view Islam; teach critical thinking and self-awareness. - Be careful speaking about Islam without sufficient knowledge. Fact-check and aim for measured, well-researched contributions rather than hot takes. - Orthodox Muslim women should be present at every level of dawah - debating, addressing specific ideologies, and shaping positive culture. We need more qualified women in public scholarship and dawah circles; the lack of them in the West is a real ummah failure. - Leave the incel-sphere. It breeds paranoia, bitterness, and obsession. Call out transactional dialogue. I hope to be involved in public dawah in a few years once I’m more settled in my career, Insha’Allah. I’m still catching up as a convert. You know the nuances of our Muslim communities better than I do. If you have practical, structural suggestions for how Muslims can adjust, please share. JazakAllahu khayr for reading.