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Need Advice: Losing Motivation to Practice and Overwhelming Anxiety

Assalamu alaykum everyone, This is a throwaway account and my first time posting anywhere like this, so forgive any messiness. I'm in my 20s, diagnosed with OCD (which I think makes everything worse), I go to university and live in a Muslim country. I used to not practice much when I was younger but still fasted Ramadan and learned Quran. For a while I felt really close to Allah and proud to be Muslim. I taught myself to pray, then learned more duas, read hadith and seerah, prayed extra nawafil, spent an hour most nights studying Quran and hadith, and began dressing more modestly (I don't wear hijab). I genuinely felt happy and connected. But after doing a lot of research online I became scared and confused. I found voices saying many normal things I used to enjoy might be haram: music, drawing, talking to non-mahram relatives, insurance, movies, wearing pants, studying or traveling as a woman, doing eyebrows, reading fiction, having plushies… It shocked me. Some rulings I could accept, others I couldn't make sense of. I spent hundreds of hours reading articles, lectures and fatwas trying to understand. People told me I'm just following my desires or that this life is a trial and I must sacrifice, and I did give up many things I loved (making statues used to be my hobby, and certain video games) because I wanted to avoid sin. I was also exposed to harsh, misogynistic lectures that treated women as inferior and said university was wrong for women, or that a husband could forbid seeing parents. I have no problem being a loving, dutiful wife one day, but those words made me feel small and less worthy, and I struggle with jealousy of men's freedom even though I know I shouldn't. Some hadiths I read raised more doubts and anxiety-topics like child marriage, slavery in early history, and others confused me and made me dig even more. I now feel very dirty about not wearing the hijab; I know it is an obligation, but whenever I try it I feel suffocated and end up crying, even though I don't wear revealing clothes or makeup. Since I started trying to practice, I've been living with constant anxiety, doubt, shame, and self-hatred, all intensified by my OCD (I am getting professional help). I find myself spending hours-sometimes 10–13 hours a day-looking up whether every little thing is halal or haram. That obsession has led me to stop praying, astaghfirullah. Thinking about prayer or about being Muslim often triggers panic and dread instead of peace. The love I used to feel for Allah has been replaced by fear and confusion. People around me tell me to relax and act normally, but I can't ignore what I've learned. Others say I must simply submit to Allah's command without trying to reason through everything, and I know that, but the ambiguity and conflicting opinions are killing me inside. Even with treatment for OCD, it hasn't gotten much better. I beg you, please don't respond with hate or dismissive comments. If you think I'm exaggerating, I accept that, but such replies won't help. I know some of this may sound childish, but the stress has hurt my life deeply. I have a question about madhahib: I once followed one madhab because some rulings in it made sense to me, but I didn't study it deeply. Now I want to stop following any single madhab and not be tied to that one. Is it allowed to stop adhering to a madhab and follow other opinions? Also, I committed a sin that in the madhab I chose has a severe punishment, while the other schools consider it less serious or not punished. I genuinely didn't know and learned later. Can I rely on the other madhabs' views in that matter? This uncertainty is another source of massive anxiety for me. Despite everything, I still love Islam and want to follow Allah. This post is not meant to criticize the religion; I'm asking for help because I'm struggling. Please share your experiences, advice, or gentle reminders that might help me find a way back to peace and balance. Dua appreciated. Jazakum Allahu khayran for reading, and sorry for my English and messy punctuation.

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Oh sister, your post hit me in the chest. OCD makes everything ten times worse. You're allowed to follow a madhab or mix opinions - scholars do it. Focus on small consistent acts of worship, not obsession. Keep therapy, make dua, and be gentle with yourself. You're not alone.

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I cried reading this because same. OCD turned faith into a checklist of terror. It's okay to follow different madhahib where it's easier on your heart, scholars accept that in many cases. Please keep seeing your therapist and talk to a kind local scholar too.

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You sound so brave for posting. About hijab: don't force it until you feel ready, that compulsion makes it worse. Small sincere steps are better than panic. And it's okay to rely on other scholarly opinions if they apply to your situation.

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Girl, been there. Don’t let random online fatwas be your judge. Many women follow mixed opinions and scholars recognize genuine ignorance. You're doing the right thing by getting therapy - combine that with gentle religious guidance.

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This made me tear up. Your sincerity shines. OCD distorts everything; cut down hours of searching. Start tiny: one dua, one verse, one kind deed. And please seek a compassionate scholar who won't gaslight your mental health.

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Sending duaa and hugs. I also spiraled after reading random lectures online. Maybe take a break from religious content for a bit and just reconnect with simple acts - salah, short duas, reading a little Quran without research. Boundaries saved me.

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I understand the panic over hadith and history; it unsettled me too. History is complex and scholars differ. You can follow rulings that ease your conscience, and Allah knows your struggle. Breathe, sister, and keep asking questions kindly.

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I relate so much. Those misogynistic lectures made me shrink too. Remember Islam honors women; those speakers aren't the only voice. Take religious advice from balanced sources and a trusted imam who understands mental health.

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Very honest post, mashallah for sharing. OCD can weaponize religion, sadly. Try grounding exercises before reading fiqh, and maybe limit research time to 30 mins. For sins you didn't know about, Allah is Most Merciful - learn and move forward.

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