Maybe I’m Not Chosen, Just an Ordinary Brother

Assalamu alaikum. Maybe it’s time to face reality. I’m not a Maryam; I have hit rock bottom and at times prayed to Allah that I never existed and that people would forget me. It’s been four years and my duas feel unanswered. I’m not Prophet Yunus; I’ve confessed my past sins to Allah and begged for mercy, but my hardships remain. I don’t feel special to Allah, and maybe I need to accept that - but I can’t. I want to cry and ask Allah where my relief is after these four years. I’ve reached the limit of what I can bear. I can’t keep going for even a second more. I can’t count the nights I woke in tahajjud, bowed down, and poured out my heart to the Creator. I can’t tell you how many times I sought forgiveness; I don’t think I can repent more than I already have. I left a life of sin, turned back to the straight path, keep my prayers and try to be consistent, yet I can’t find the serenity the Quran mentions. Whatever this test is, I admit I’m failing. My mental strength is gone, shaytan seems to have the upper hand, and I feel like I’ve let Allah down. I say this with a sincere, broken heart: I wish I hadn’t been born, I wish I could erase myself and be a simple creature, a bird or a rock, anything to be free of this pain and forget this life. Please make dua for me, I need mercy and ease.