Life Update - Alhamdulillah for the Little Wins
Assalamualaikum. Things have improved a lot since my last update nearly two years ago. I ended up going abroad to study and I also got a job. I’m not getting paid yet, but Alhamdulillah I trust that halal rizq will come from it soon - I asked Allah SWT and the opportunity landed in my lap. For about a year I’ve been dealing with heavy emotional pain over someone I’m deeply attached to. I kept my distance for the sake of Allah SWT and tried to move on. Please make dua for me - if this person is my naseeb may Allah SWT bring us together quickly, and if not may He replace them and grant me peace of heart either way. Love really can feel like a form of torture; it drains you. I’ve tried many ways to cope, but maybe this is a test meant to last a certain time, and my anxiety hasn’t vanished yet. I’m managing, though. I study when I can. Engineering is brutal and I try to keep showing up. Honestly, my drive for this dunya is low right now. This semester absolutely cooked me and I probably should be more upset, but I’m okay. Alhamdulillah for what has been given and what will come - Allah is the Most Generous. I often think this life has little lasting value, so my plan is to stack as many sincere good deeds as I can to hasten my place in Jannah. I’m working on maximizing daily good deeds with sincerity. Social interactions are nice but I avoid getting too involved because I tend to care too much and it wears me out. My eating is light, Alhamdulillah, though I do have biscuits every day (one pack is shockingly caloric), so I might be gaining a little. Need to drink more water - this winter is no joke - and I’ll get back to the gym after finals, Insha’Allah. I set a few small goals, nothing crazy. Mostly they keep me occupied or let me meet basic social needs without getting too deep into other people’s stuff. I still love horror games, and since I can code now maybe I’ll try to make something small on itch.io if I feel productive (probably doubtful). I enjoy reading Islamic philosophy and tafsir of the Qur’an - we devoted ourselves to this deen, so why are so many of us only scratching the surface? I often feel close to giving up, which is scary to admit. I don’t want to be here sometimes, but I don’t know if I’m ready for Jannah yet, so I keep trying until Allah decides otherwise, Insha’Allah. I saw a therapist and it helped, Alhamdulillah; I have another appointment in a few days. I also visited the hospital about some odd symptoms I’ve had - hopefully it’s nothing major, maybe just a vitamin thing, Insha’Allah. Ignore this if you want. Or don’t. I used to keep diaries but lost them and my docs are full. Thanks for reading and may Allah SWT grant us ease and contentment.