How Islam helped me accept my manhood
As-s-salamu alaykum - Alhamdulillah I reverted two months ago and things have really shifted for me. Since then I stopped shaving and I gave up masturbating. I walk with more confidence. Stuff like playing video games or watching TV doesn't feel as satisfying anymore and comes off as kind of childish; I'm more drawn to working and using my time productively. Before Islam I thought of myself as non-binary. Looking back I think that came from not wanting to face the responsibilities and tough truths that come with being a man. One example is the idea of "women and children first." It always felt unfair to me. It bothered me that girls can keep that protected status as they grow into women, while boys are told to leave that behind when they become men. The thought that I might one day be expected to risk my life for the safety of women and children - like staying on a sinking ship or going off to war - made me uneasy. I can see the reasoning now. From a biological and social point of view, men and women have different roles when it comes to survival and continuation of society. I won't pretend I like that reality, but I accept it as Allah's design and submit to it. It wasn't easy to swallow. You could say it was like a bitter medicine, and Islam was the sweetness that helped me take it. Islam doesn't deny these hard facts - it actually confirms them in many ways. Men are still expected to fight when needed and women are often exempt. Polygyny was permitted historically because wars left many widows and orphans, and the men who survived were expected to provide for them. What really helped me feel comfortable in my identity as a man was the brotherhood I found after reverting. Praying together at the masjid made a huge difference. Standing shoulder to shoulder with my brothers, hearing everyone say "Allahu Akbar" and "Ameen" in unison, bowing and prostrating to the same God - when the prayer ends and that clear-headed feeling comes over all of us, it's like being part of a single unit. Their strength and faith rub off on me. I wouldn't think twice about facing hardship alongside them. If our whole jamah ended up on a sinking ship, I'd do my duty and put the safety of the women and children first. I'd accept my fate and go down with my brothers while we offered our final Salah together. I'd rather stand before Allah and say I chose duty and submission than admit I ran after my own survival just to extend my time in this dunya. May Allah keep us firm on the straight path and help us fulfill our responsibilities, Ameen.