How do I stop being so cynical about Allah?
As-salamu alaykum. I want to give a bit of background so this makes sense. I think I have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I’ve never had an official diagnosis, but I strongly suspect it. My parents would say I was safe and loved and point to what they did as proof, but I never really FELT loved, you know? As I grew up I started to suspect a lot of those actions were for their own sake. I carried a lot of shame, and with rejection from others I became paranoid and self-protective. I find it hard to love or connect with people. I also developed near-OCD traits around my deen. From about age 11 I had constant waswas/intrusive thoughts and would whisper astaghfirullah to myself a million times. A lot in Islam sometimes feels like it mirrors my own issues. The idea that we’re created mainly to worship Allah and that those who don’t will be punished forever - and that we must love and fear Him more than family - makes me question why a Creator would make beings just to test them and demand worship. It can come across as, I don’t know, narcissistic. People say, “He doesn’t need us but created us out of mercy,” but I can’t easily accept that. I’ve also read verses that, taken how I saw them, sounded like Allah deliberately misguides people (I’ve looked at verses in Surah al-Baqarah and elsewhere). That felt incredibly unfair and made my doubts worse. Sometimes I think if I follow reason I might find faith. I do see arguments for a Creator: the fine-tuning of the world, the complexity of life, how unlikely it seems to have come from pure chance. Yet the possibility that the whole thing is false makes it hard to fully trust and submit. Lately I’ve been losing fear of Allah and caring less about Islam in general. I know the usual guidance is to pray regularly and read Qur’an, but I worry that might not be enough for me. I’m looking for practical advice or steps from people who understand this kind of struggle - how to move from cynicism back towards sincere faith, especially while dealing with mental health challenges like this.