Feeling Forsaken - Need Du'a and Guidance

Salam. I'm at a point where I don't know where to turn. This isn't just mental health anymore; it feels spiritual and religious - like a complete collapse. I've had a hard life, lost a lot, had some moments of success but somehow always ended up losing what mattered. I lost my children after a divorce. My wife cheated and that broke me emotionally and brought back painful memories from childhood. During all this I tried to hold on to Islam more tightly - praying five times a day, fasting when I could, guarding my haya, avoiding sins - but it still feels insufficient. Sometimes it feels like my relationship with my Lord is abusive: a test that became torment. I cry out in prayer, begging Allah for some clarity so I can be patient. The loneliness eats me - I feel meant to be alone, and it's destroying my soul. I struggle with thoughts of ending my life; I know the grave consequences and that my children are the only reason I stay. Everything I try to build falls apart. I've never been able to keep or cherish what I had until it was gone. Years of loss have left me wondering where Allah's mercy is for me. I am grateful for the little I have, but still feel empty. I question qadr, like what is written for me is misery - I haven't smiled in a long time. Why am I sharing this? If you feel Allah's love, or you have light and laughter in your life, count yourself blessed. I used to think faith was simply a choice, but now I wrestle with whether my fate is fixed and cruel. I don't know why I'm suffering; perhaps it's generational, perhaps not. No amount of dhikr, repentance, or tears seems to lift this weight, but I keep praying because it's all I have - even when I lose track of raka'aat or feel overwhelmed in salat. Medications haven't helped me much and some side effects made things worse. Before you complain about your life, reflect on how merciful Allah is and ask Him to protect you from trials like mine. Please make du'a for me and my children - that Allah grants us sabr, relief, and His mercy. May Allah spare everyone from such despair and guide us to what is best. I feel forsaken, but I still hold on to prayer.