Assalamualaikum - Some days I wish I was never born
As-salamu alaykum. This isn't me asking for pity, just trying to put my feelings out there. I've screwed up most parts of my life over the past couple years and it's weighing on me. 1) My family doesn't like me: Both my parents and my brother seem to dislike me because I'm selfish. Most of what I do is instinctively for myself, and they resent me for it. I can tell deep down they'd prefer I were a different person and I don't really feel loved at home. I know I deserve some of that. 2) I ruined my marriage's reputation: In my community people talk about me because I spoke to a lot of women and turned some down, and now no one takes me seriously or wants anything to do with me. I worry I might end up alone. 3) I have a health problem: Sleep apnea is slowly draining me. CPAP hasn't worked after so many tries and doctors keep talking about surgeries that might not fix it. I feel weak every day and can't function like I should. 4) I have no friends: I guess I'm boring, I don't socialize much, and in group settings I just don't fit in. All I do is go to the gym, pray, and work. I'm forgettable - no texts, no invites, nobody really reaches out. 5) I don't feel like a good Muslim: Honestly, I feel like a hypocrite. I get jealous when others get married and sometimes I even wish harm on people who hurt me. I pray a lot but I don't feel connected to Allah. I'm ungrateful for blessings and have wasted chances through bad choices. I struggle with sabr and qadr and feel distant from my faith. Every day I ask Allah for change and try to be better, but my life keeps ending up the same. Sometimes when I look at everything I just wish I hadn't been born. Nothing here seems to bring me joy. I fill the emptiness with shows, movies, and useless shopping. I'm tired, plain and simple - and before anyone says "just improve yourself," I've been going to the gym for five years. I don't really know how to fix things. I've realized only Allah's mercy can undo the mistakes I've made. But sometimes I wonder, why would He forgive someone like me? The Quran says Allah's plan is better than ours and that this life is fleeting. Maybe His plan is to test me so I earn Jannah, which is comforting for the afterlife, but right now my chest feels heavy. I can't imagine living in loneliness for another 30, 40, 50 years. I long for love, companionship, and ease, and I fear I won't get them. I know we should aim for the akhira and remember this world is temporary, but I can't detach from the life I've always known. Maybe this sounds silly, but I want a good life here and in the hereafter. May Allah forgive my shortcomings and guide me - I really need His mercy.