Assalamualaikum - Feeling Lost and Desperate, Need Dua

Assalamualaikum everyone, Disclaimer: this might be a bit long. I’m M24, studying abroad on a fully funded scholarship in Europe. I come from a poor background and since childhood I worked as a laborer to help our family. My parents were in their 60s and never really understood emotional needs, so I grew up in a cold, sometimes toxic home. There was no care or affection from relatives either. My elder sister was like a mother to me, and when she died in childbirth along with her baby, I lost the one close person I had. At age 8 I moved to another city with an older brother and lived with his wife, who held resentment toward our family. I was too young to make sense of it and learned to accept that as normal. My brothers were strict and distant, so I never felt I could share with them. Even though I had many siblings, we were emotionally distant and much older than me. For a brief while I grew close to my father, but he died when I was 14 after illnesses. I stayed with him in his last days and did what I could, but after he passed I felt completely cut off. We could not afford schooling, so I began working at 12 while trying to study on my own. I taught myself English, learned to draw, and wrote poetry in my mother tongue. I turned inward and relied on Allah; I never learned how to open up to people. I missed formal technical education and had to work through college years. Later I worked long shifts at a chemical plant while studying to save money for university. I got into an evening program and taught to support myself, all with no support except tawakkul. I became emotionally avoidant but at 22 I began to feel attached to a hijabi sister in university who prayed regularly. I never crossed any boundaries; I saw her as a potential wife and told her I wanted to marry her. She agreed but warned her parents wouldn’t approve. I suggested a private nikah until I could support her formally, but she refused. She came from a well-off, stable family (her father a surgeon, her mother a professor) while I was still struggling. When I needed money for admission and travel after winning the scholarship, I leaned on her emotionally and probably overwhelmed her. She then blocked me with long messages and hasn’t spoken to me in two years. Losing that connection hit me hard after finally depending on someone outside myself. I came here and have been studying for 1.5 years. I did well for a while because of my tawakkul, but in the past months I began doubting my faith. I’ve tried to reconnect with Allah-praying, crying-but I feel a heavy silence. My trust in Allah has eroded and I feel numb and cold where I used to be sensitive. I’ve been questioning existence, purpose, and everything I was taught. No one knows what I’m going through-not family, not friends. I live the life of an international student where people are busy; even when my family calls weeks pass between conversations and I don’t feel the bond. I wanted to marry early, but here it’s impossible for at least three years. I’m 25 now and have been suppressing feelings for two decades. I feel like no one’s priority and I’m not attached to anything. When I lost trust in God my thoughts turned suicidal. My hope used to be meeting Allah; once that hope faded, I felt life had no purpose. I even got a sharp knife in my dorm and almost did it, but a friend returned and stopped me. Salah feels empty now and I feel closer to atheism or agnosticism than before. The only thing stopping me from acting is that if I die abroad it’ll cost my family thousands of euros-they can’t afford that. I’m ashamed to tell anyone because I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m asking sincerely for dua and any advice from brothers and sisters who understand. I know this is heavy and I don’t want to harm anyone with my words; I just need guidance, dua, and someone to remind me how to find a way back to meaning. JazakAllah khair