As-salamu alaykum - Question About Sin, Relief, and Gender Struggle

As-salamu alaykum. I’m a man and what I’m about to share might be triggering for some, so please forgive me in advance. I’m not looking for validation, just some guidance based on my experience. Since childhood I’ve felt different. I liked girls’ things - dresses, makeup, dolls. At first it was just a secret hobby; my parents allowed some things but said others weren’t for me. I’d sneak my mother’s makeup sometimes. Puberty made the feelings stronger; I started wearing clear nail polish and it felt right. Later I tried HRT in secret for about two months, but I came to understand that imitating the opposite gender is not allowed, so I stopped and tried to suppress these feelings. During COVID my mother had another baby, and watching her hold the child hit me hard - I grieved the fact I’ll never know motherhood. I made dua constantly, asking Allah for a change. My dislike of my body grew. The distress became unbearable and I resumed HRT because I felt so desperate. I know this is sinful, but the changes eased my suicidal thoughts and that saved my life - Alhamdulillah. People tell me to get therapy but I can’t trust others after being hurt a lot before. I’m gentle by nature and hate making others sad, so I avoid big decisions and distance myself to protect people. That’s part of why I stayed away from my family; I didn’t want to bring them shame or pain. I know I’ll never become a mother or a woman in reality, so I chose to lead a double life: privately presenting more feminine, and publicly living as a man. It’s helped me - the suicidal urges faded and I feel better. I still perform my obligations, like attending Jumu‘ah. I don’t behave or dress like a woman in public, I hide my body and keep my beard. I accept I am a man and try to fulfill my duties. I’m trying to reconnect with my family and be a better Muslim. I keep asking Allah for forgiveness even though I’m still making choices I believe are sinful. Alhamdulillah, I’m doing okay now. My question is: if living this private way helps my mental and emotional health, does it remain Haram? If it is, can sincere repentance and good deeds balance or outweigh the sin? Jazakum Allahu Khairan for any advice or dua.