As-salamu alaykum - Feeling so alone in the Ummah

As-salamu alaykum. I just want to sleep and disappear sometimes. I'm Muslim, but it feels like I don't fit anywhere - not fully inside the fold, not fully outside. First there's Islamophobia: from people around me, online, even hearing others' stories all the time. That wears on you. You try to learn, study, prove things, and that’s a good thing, but after a while you reach a point where you’ve read so much about the issues people attack that it just makes you angry and questioning yourself for no reason. That anger becomes addictive and you even find yourself seeking out more of that hate. Anger really is a dangerous trap. Okay, I know that’s on me to manage. But even if all that external hate was happening and I had a united Ummah to turn to, I wouldn't feel so hopeless. What makes it worse is seeing other Muslims. There are people who label everything haram except living like it’s the 7th century. There are folks with wild takes that misrepresent Islam so badly I sometimes wish I could vanish. Then there are so many groups and labels - Sunni, Shia, the four schools, traditionalists, progressives, the Islam your parents practice, the one your neighbour follows - and most of them hate each other. They all claim to be the “real” Islam and call others munafiq. I feel like I’m jumping from one camp to another: one day I agree with a traditionalist, the next I lean progressive, then I align with no one. Humans aren’t robots who agree on everything - sometimes one ruling makes sense, sometimes another. Is it wrong to think like this? Do I have to pick a single umbrella and accept everything they say? The worst part is feeling unheard. I long for a middle way, like what Allah intended: a place where people can hold different details of belief and others accept that, since ultimately it’s between a person and Allah. But that kind of community seems nonexistent. People are tribal; they can’t tolerate a middle path. Being one of the few who wants balance makes me sad. I’m too liberal for traditionalists and too conservative for progressives. I don’t belong to a group - and belonging is something humans need. It’s demotivating. If I were to leave faith (rhetorically), it would be because of this fragmentation. This faith is supposed to be mercy from Allah, and I desperately want to see that mercy, but all I see is division, polarization, and hatred. I’m tired of extremism. Fighting extremism with more extremism just multiplies the problem. Maybe it’s just me. Other Muslims seem content with their sect or branch, so why can’t I be? I’ve always questioned things - school topics, rules, beliefs, history - because I crave understanding. That’s also why I love Islam: it encourages seeking knowledge. I want to understand why something is X and another thing is Y, why this is haram and that is halal. When I study, I sometimes arrive at conclusions that differ from the mainstream, and then I feel like my opinions can’t exist. I want this Ummah to thrive. But when I can’t contribute honestly, when I have to pretend to be someone I’m not, or when I act on my conclusions and then feel guilty like I’m going against Islam or being dishonest with Allah, it crushes me. People call it following desires, cherry-picking, or being ignorant for thinking I’m qualified to have views on matters debated for centuries. Still, most of what I believe aligns with mainstream views - maybe 95% - but that remaining 5% feels impossible to hold without being ostracised. It’s like there’s no room for nuance. I feel so alone as a Muslim. Like I’m the only one around who thinks this way. I feel like an outsider, not belonging here or there. May Allah guide us to mercy, ease our hearts, and bring unity where there is needless division. Jazakum Allahu khayran for reading.