A painful but necessary choice - seeking peace with Allah
As-salamu alaykum brothers and sisters. I’m a 20-year-old Pakistani student studying in the Netherlands. Last year, near the end of my first year in engineering, I met a Dutch Pakistani woman and we fell in love quickly. She was a few years older and had been hoping to marry for about two years. I’d lived in the Middle East my whole life and coming to the West felt lonely - my first year was rough and seeing everyone else in relationships made me try to find someone with the intention of marriage to fill that emptiness. Looking back, that was a mistake. We started seeing each other and quickly became serious. We both said marriage was our goal. I told her honestly that my parents wouldn’t allow me to marry until I finished university and found a job, which would be another 3–4 years. She said she would wait. At first it felt like hope, but over time the guilt grew inside me - I couldn’t ignore that we were committing zina by being together outside of marriage, and that weighed heavily on my heart. Her parents are older and unwell, especially her father who struggles to walk. They’ve been urging her to marry so they can see her settled before they get worse. Just before I ended things they told her things like “Please get married, we’re getting older and sick; let us see you happy in our lifetime.” Hearing that from her made my guilt unbearable. Two nights ago, after thinking and praying, I told her for the sake of Allah that we must separate. I couldn’t let her wait in sin for four years while her parents hoped for a halal marriage, nor could I keep hurting another man’s family by putting their daughter in this situation. We were each other’s first relationships and it was six months. Even if we’d waited, I worried whether our marriage would have barakah after all this. I couldn’t risk her halal happiness. After we made du'a for one another and said goodbye, I blocked her on everything to protect both of us and to help her heal faster. I’m in deep pain and full of guilt. I keep wondering if she wanted to say more, or if I should’ve handled it differently. I loved her, but I loved her soul and feared Allah more. I know I was wrong to enter the relationship when I wasn’t ready financially or otherwise for marriage. Any punishment from Allah is deserved, and I ask Him for forgiveness. Please make du'a for her that Allah grants her a lawful husband and lasting happiness. I’d also appreciate any advice on coping with this pain and moving forward without falling into despair. May Allah forgive us and guide us all.