A Heart That Feels Empty

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters, These last few years have been really tough for me. I lost my father, my mother is partly paralysed, the woman I cared for betrayed me, I lost friends because of fitnah, I did poorly in my exams, and I started forgetting things. Through all of it I still kept my five daily prayers. I don’t smoke or drink, I used to self-harm before. Mostly I’m just worn out from life and I kept thinking it was a phase that would pass. But there’s one thing I can’t do anymore - I can’t cry to Allah. My heart feels like a stone. You can insult me, I can have the worst day, and I feel nothing. Three years ago I had a breakdown I can’t fully remember. I went to the masjid at 2 a.m., all alone, and cried to Allah without stopping. I begged for help because I couldn’t bear it, and sometimes I used to cry alone at night and talk to Allah. Now I can’t do that. I see people crying while making dua in Ramadan or at funerals and I can’t. When I make dua now I don’t feel anything. I can’t process my thoughts or feel them. If something good happens I remember to say Alhamdulillah, but when something bad comes I don’t feel the urge to ask Allah to take it away. My mother, in her condition, sometimes curses me to fail in my studies, and I did fail. Maybe I’m growing distant from Allah, I don’t even know. If you read this, Jazakallahu khairan for your time. I’m sorry for taking a couple of minutes of your day.