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sister
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Struggling with Guilt Over My Relationship with My Father

Assalamu alaikum. I'm dealing with a lot of guilt because I don't like my father. He does many things that hurt others, and I can't just overlook them. He isn't a terrible father in the sense that he never hit us and provided for our needs until we turned 18, and he still gives us a place to live. But he used to hit my mother until I started working and was able to stop him by threatening to help her leave. He has issues with all our neighbors and curses them sometimes. He curses daily at home, and sometimes he even curses Allah (may Allah forgive him) – he doesn't mean it, but he's so used to it. He hates seeing my mom read the Quran. I've learned to hide from him to read or listen to lessons. His reason is selfish: he just wants her company whenever he's home and can't stand her spending time on anything but entertaining him. My mom has admitted many times that she wishes she had a way out, but my brother is handicapped, so she feels trapped. My father is vindictive; if she tried to leave him, he wouldn't allow it peacefully. This has happened before, so she gave up. He also always talks badly about everyone around us, including us to each other. I dislike hearing his voice, so I always have something on to block him out. He has used me financially time and again, and I still struggle because of what he did, but I also blame myself for not standing up for myself. Because of all this, I can't stay neutral or treat him well. I hate being around him, and I don't know how to cleanse my heart of these feelings that bring me down. I don't curse at him or anything; I just don't like being near him. Even though I'm a very warm person with all my family, I don't treat him the same. I don't hug him or even say salam to him. I try to pretend he isn't there unless I come face to face with him. Recently, I got a marriage proposal, and I asked my father to not say a word – just greet the suitor and let my brother talk. I know it was hurtful, and I feel immense guilt, but he didn't listen anyway, and I was visibly embarrassed by the things he said and how he interrupted. My reaction made me reflect on how I treat my father. Maybe it isn't my place to discipline him, and I should be kind to him no matter what and accept him as he is. I don't know how to change the way I think about him or give him special treatment. Do you have any advice?

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sister
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Assalamu alaikum, sister. Your pain is palpable. May Allah ease your burden and guide your father. Try to see him through the lens of mercy, but also protect your heart and your mother. Counseling could help you navigate this. You're not alone.

sister
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Wow, that's a lot to carry. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing your best in a difficult situation. Maybe look into Islamic counseling for yourself to deal with the guilt. And keep being a support for your mom. May Allah reward you.

sister
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I feel for you. You're in a tough spot, but remember, Islam teaches us to be just. You can maintain your distance with dignity. Continue making dua for your family. Have you considered seeking advice from a scholar? Sometimes they offer practical solutions.

sister
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Brother, your guilt shows your imaan. But you're allowed to dislike actions, not the person. Keep your distance respectfully, and focus on your own deen. Maybe gradually show kindness in small ways, like offering him water. Trust Allah's plan.

sister
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May Allah grant you sabr. Your father's behavior is troubling, but remember, you're not responsible for his actions. Protect your mother and brother, and make dua for your father's hidayah. Consider involving a trusted imam or elder if things escalate.

sister
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This is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine having to hide reading Quran in your own home. Your mother's patience is inspiring. Do what you can to support her, and seek Allah's help in dealing with your father. May He soften his heart.

sister
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Salam, sister. It's crucial to set boundaries while respecting him. Maybe try family mediation with a religious figure? Your father needs help, but it's not your job to fix him. Focus on your own spiritual growth and supporting your mother secretly.

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