Struggling with Emptiness - Asking for Dua
As-salamu alaykum. I'm lying in my bed in my apartment trying to sleep, but there's this hollow sadness that keeps me awake. It feels like there’s nothing to look forward to tomorrow. I don't have relationships that bring me real fulfillment. I find myself talking to women I have no intention of marrying just to fill the void, and I don't want to keep doing that - I want marriage the halal way and friends who help me grow in deen. I have early meetings to wake up for but I'm going to bed so late that the whole next day is ruined because I'm exhausted. My sleep is awful. My hairline is receding and it's hurting my confidence. I get random tooth pains that make eating difficult. I have flexibility problems so I can't sit comfortably for long. My social anxiety is awful and I overthink everything. I'm even getting a belly. My head is buzzing with so many thoughts I feel like I'm losing touch with myself. My family lives nearby but I've been alone in my apartment for years working from home, and I think I'm losing it. I want to move back home but I feel the same emptiness there - I can't open up or be my true self, and I can't connect with anyone, not even family. I think this started after my childhood best friend and I went our separate ways and I stopped hanging out with people from university. Maybe to others it seems small, but it's killing me mentally. I'm exhausted and don't want to do anything. I think this might be depression. I'm planning to pray tahajjud tonight and make sincere dua. I pray Isha at the masjid every day, and I'm generally careful with my prayers besides fajr. I do ruqyah on myself, but nothing seems to lift this mental turmoil. I wonder if it's because of sins I committed out of lust. Please make dua for me. Any advice from brothers and sisters who have felt this loneliness or dealt with depression would mean a lot. Jazakum Allah khayr.