Struggling After a Diagnosis - Seeking Relief and Faith
As-salamu alaykum. Lately I've been feeling really down. I was told I might have mild NPD, and at first that brought some relief because finally there was a name, but now it just feels like I'm stuck in a loop of hurt. I've dealt with terrible stomach pain and a deep emptiness for a long time. Learning that people with this condition are more likely to fall into addictions made sense - it explains so much of my past. I worry I'll never truly know what genuine love feels like. Loving someone feels out of reach. I wasn't always like this, but my life changed and I developed these unhealthy coping habits. It feels like NPD was shaped in me, and that realization is painful. Why am I suffering, and why do I keep letting myself exist in this state? I feel immature and lost, I don't want to give up but I also desperately want things to improve. At times I even ask why Allah seems to be so distant from me. I feel rejected. I went to Mecca hoping for guidance and healing, but I honestly returned feeling worse, and feeling ignored hurts a lot. Deep down I want to find love and strengthen my iman, but I feel fake and hollow. My affection for people and life is souring into resentment, and instead of facing this trial with patience, I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with envy and anger toward my Creator. I'm exhausted from everything I've been through. I need to be there for my family, but this pain controls me and impacts my studies and daily life. I'm so sad and I don't know where to turn.