I'm feeling distant from Islam and don't know what to do Salaam

Assalamu alaikum. I don't even feel any pain saying this anymore. I've been trying for years, begging and crying every night for something to go right, but nothing seems to work. I made duas during Umrah, tried to be as religious as I could, and I'm at my breaking point - I don't think I can try harder than I already have. Life has been hard my whole life and I don't really enjoy living; maybe I could even be called suicidal. It's been one struggle after another to the extent that I don't expect good from Allah anymore. I can't really remember any real good moments. My parents were abusive when I was a child - beating and belittling me, telling me to basically die. Since I failed my A-levels after praying for years, I stopped praying completely, stopped making duas, and haven't cared about Islam for months. That failure felt like the final straw. I was religious when I was younger - went to Islamic school every week, learned the stories of the prophets - and for a while that helped knowing they endured worse. Now it all feels like nothing. I've honestly thought about leaving Islam, and the only reason I haven't is because deep down I feel it's true, the same way I can see flaws in other religions. I don't love Allah right now and I don't really feel that He loves me, despite what the Qur'an says. I don't feel like Allah is giving me enough for how much I'm putting in. I'm not satisfied with getting less than average in everything, and I don't see how anyone would be. I'm almost scared to post this, like everyone will just tell me to be patient or give the usual generic advice as if I haven't tried it hundreds of times. It feels like I'm too far gone to even be a Muslim anymore. Nothing seems to have come from my duas, and some people say maybe what I asked for wasn't good for me - but surely not everything I asked for was bad. I've made dua for help, guidance, and signs that He hasn't abandoned me, and I still haven't seen anything. I guess I'm looking for help here, whether out of need or just out of boredom. I don't expect someone to say something that will magically fix everything, but I could really use honest advice, support, or suggestions from fellow Muslims on how to cope with this loss of faith, the trauma from my past, and how to try finding a way back - if that's even possible for me.