Feeling Overwhelmed and Losing Hope

Assalamu alaykum. I’m sorry for the long message, but I’ve been holding this in for six years and I just need to let it out. I don’t have anyone to talk to, and lately things have been really tough. I hope I don’t sound like I’m complaining-I just can’t keep it inside anymore. I was born Muslim and grew up in Qatar for six years. Alhamdulillah, the first four years were wonderful: my family was kind, we were financially stable, and my mind was at peace. Then my parents divorced, both lost their jobs, and my mother and I had to separate from my stepfather, who returned to his home country. I hardly hear from him now. Some months later, my mother remarried, alhamdulillah, and things improved-she had a good job, my school fees were paid, and we were stable. But it didn’t last; she was dismissed during the 2022 World Cup preparations. After that, we struggled with debts and relied on others. I kept making dua to Allah, but it felt like nothing changed. Eventually, the school demanded payment we couldn’t afford. My mother sought help from charities to keep me in school and stay in Qatar, but for a year we were either ignored or rejected. My worst fear came true: I had to return to my home country in 10th grade. There, I needed to pass exams in a language I barely knew to enter university, or face two years of mandatory military service. Since leaving Qatar, I’ve watched my friends there move ahead while I struggle. I envied them briefly, but I know envy is haram, so I stopped. When I reached out to them, no one seemed to care. This year has been awful. My mother has become very harsh with me. I had to study in a language I never properly learned-I’ve always thought in English. I failed the exams by just one question, and now I feel lost. My mother’s words hurt deeply. I dread military service, and sometimes I think about ending my life because I see no way out. I blame myself for not adapting, but I had to learn six subjects from scratch in a foreign language. Insha’Allah, my mother might pay for me to study abroad, which would exempt me from service. I pray she can, but she’s so disappointed in me, and I hate myself for always letting her down. Through all these painful years, I’ve held onto my faith in Allah, and I’m grateful to Qatar and my friends for bringing me closer to Him. I used to pray five times daily, but my worsening mental health made me stop last Ramadan. I’ve cried on my knees, begging Allah for relief, but I’ve lost hope. Sometimes I wonder if someone did sihr on my family out of jealousy back then. Please, I just need some kind words and duas. If you can, keep me in your prayers.