Exhausted and Drifting, Haunted by My Past

I’m so worn out from people not knowing the ugly truth of who I really am. It drains me when folks, especially fellow Muslims, assume I’m some upright person who’s done amazing things. I’m sick of shaking their hands, saying salaam, and acting like a devout believer. It makes me feel physically ill, and I just want to withdraw so I don’t end up disappointing or hurting anyone. I can’t even go to the masjid for Fajr anymore because they put me forward to lead the prayer. I know Allah is Al-Wadud, Al-Ghaffur, Al-Afuw, and Ar-Rahman, but I’m so tired of this cycle of “repenting” and falling short again and again. Even though I see what I’m doing wrong, I still don’t push myself hard enough to change. The guilt is overwhelming when I think about those who never got hidayah or a chance to turn back from their sins, and my sins are probably way worse. I want to say I truly love Allah because of the countless gifts He’s given me-beyond what I could ever grasp-and for letting me return to Him before death. But my repeated disobedience makes me feel like I’m not nearly as grateful as I should be. Alhamdulillah, I’ve managed to leave or cut back on a lot of my past sins, but that’s only because Allah made it easy for me. It’s been months since I dropped them, but I can’t shake off how filthy my past was; it haunts my thoughts almost every hour. Alhamdulillah, I’ve been trying to make tawbah through good deeds, restoring people’s rights, and being a better person-though I’m not as steady as I need to be. Still, those dark thoughts keep creeping in. I try to accept this anxiety and guilt as a test or even a punishment for my disobedience and ingratitude, but I end up turning to haram ways just to numb the pain. I get why only Allah could love me knowing my past. It’s a huge reason I can’t picture myself making new friends, getting married, or raising children-whether my own or adopted. It brings me to tears thinking that a pious wife and innocent children could be tied to someone as stained and wicked as me. Even though I’ve achieved a lot in this dunya at a young age, thanks to Allah, my parents, and a strong support system, I don’t dream big anymore. My ambition and drive are gone, crushed by the fear that my past will eventually catch up. I know this shows a weakness in my tawakkul in Allah, but I feel like my past justifies losing every blessing in this life. Now I only focus on drawing closer to Allah and pleasing Him before I die. I can’t burden my aging parents with this-they’ve already suffered through years of my disobedience and ungratefulness. And seeking therapy feels selfish now; I should have done it years ago when my mental health first started slipping as a teen, but I was too proud and even mocked the idea back then. Besides, I need to focus on providing for and looking after my parents. I’m not looking for sympathy or support. I just want to know if anyone’s been through something like this, and if so, how do you manage to keep going and function in daily life?