Assalamu alaykum - I'm losing my faith and I don't know how to worship like this

Assalamu alaykum. I still believe in Islam in my head, but I don't find comfort in worship anymore and I'm growing angry with Allah. I don't know how to pray sincerely when I feel this way, or whether I should force myself despite the resentment. I know salah matters and we shouldn't miss it, but I don't see the point anymore. I accept Islam, the rules, and that the Prophet ﷺ is true - I have no problem with the teachings themselves. Still, I genuinely stopped caring. When I sin I know it's wrong and I feel guilt, but I shove that guilt to the back of my mind so I don't have to feel it. I don't even enjoy sinning, but I do it and don't really try to stop (these are private sins; nothing involving others). Little things get on my nerves now - like when my brother tells me “Allah is with you,” I roll my eyes. Funny enough, some habits remain: I say bismillah, salaam, jazakallah, alhamdulillah when I sneeze, duas for the toilet and such. It's just ingrained, and sometimes I wonder why I say it, but I keep going. But none of that feels like it counts because I stopped praying. I can't be bothered to do anything for myself, including praying. Even when my imaan used to be higher and I wanted to pray, read Quran, and learn, I never felt good doing it - the idea was nice but the feeling wasn't. Standing in salah, when I tried to put my all into it, my heart felt heavy. Maybe it's guilt; I hate myself and view myself negatively. I've had depression and suicidal thoughts and intent for years, and praying for relief never helped - often it made me feel worse and want death more. I don't understand why others say they feel peace in salah or when they listen to Quran; for me it's the opposite. I used to keep going anyway, praying just to get it done, then slowly losing love for it until I gave up. That cycle used to repeat. Now the cycle feels broken. Ramadan is coming, and I have no motivation at all. Sometimes I tell myself to just do it anyway: pray even if I don't care, read one page of Quran, rebuild the routine - even if it gives me nothing in this life. But now I find myself angry at Allah. I even say “I hate you” out loud to Him. I never thought I'd reach this point. I used to accept my suffering as a test, never thought badly of Allah. Now I moved from neutral to negative. I think it's stupid to bother praying. How can I stand in salah praising Allah while I feel hatred toward Him? How can I make dua asking for protection when I'm angry at Him? It feels hypocritical and performative. I don't know what to do. A tiny part of me thinks maybe Allah will respond if I try again, give me some relief. But then I think, why would He, given how I'm acting? He can do whatever He wills, and that might mean I continue to suffer. He sees how my mental health has worsened and how I've wanted death for years, yet I haven't acted because He forbade it. I feel so much guilt that asking for anything worldly felt shameful - my duas were simple: peace and guidance. But I didn't get that. It feels like I'm being pushed toward the edge no matter what I do. So maybe I could try worship again and see what happens, and if nothing changes I'll do what I feel I must. If Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond its capacity, what does that mean if I end my life despite trying to be His servant? Wouldn't that show I was given more than I could bear? That thought sometimes pushes me to try worship again just to test it. I hope this doesn't come across as blasphemous. I know shaytaan would be pleased. I also know the good descriptions of Allah are true - He is Most Merciful, He loves His servant, He responds when we reach out. I don’t claim those are false, but I’ve never felt them. I know I’m not special in being exempt from Allah's mercy, yet I don't feel it. I don't want to follow blindly, but it seems the only option left. I think ruqyah might help, but I doubt whether it will work because I’ve heard it needs full belief. So I'm stuck doubting. Therapy recommended self-affirmations, but they feel fake and performative; I can’t trick myself into belief. What should I do? Keep doing worship while my thoughts are negative, hoping it will help despite feeling it won't? Please be blunt if you need to. I don't want platitudes like “others have it worse” - I know that already and it doesn't help. I'm at a point where I would be relieved by a terminal diagnosis just so there'd be an end. I've even wished to swap with someone worse off because they would appreciate life more than I do. Jazakallah khair and I'm sorry if I sound unbearable.