As-salamu alaykum - feeling lost and not fitting in anywhere
As-salamu alaykum everyone, sorry this is long. I’m just venting and needed to get this out. I’m a 23-year-old Muslim man, born in the USA but I spent most of my childhood in Pakistan because my dad’s visa came late. For the past 10 years I’ve been back here. I was an only child and grew up in a really toxic home. My parents fought a lot - yelling, hitting, screaming - and I used to stay close to try and stop things from getting worse. Sometimes they would make up for my sake, because they didn’t want me to grow up in a broken home. I’m grateful for that, but I also resent the trauma I carried alone without siblings. I still get anxious and angry when I think about it, and honestly I’m scared of marriage because I’d rather live alone than repeat what they went through. My parents had totally different personalities and goals. My mom was very strict about religion; she wanted me to become a hafiz and focus on Islamic studies. My dad wanted me to be more social, go to public school, and come out of my shell. He also struggled financially, so we had hard times. Being pulled between those two worlds messed me up mentally, socially, and spiritually. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. As a quiet, different kid I had trouble making or keeping friends. Even now, I don’t feel comfortable with the very strict people who act like they’re policing everyone’s deen, and I don’t fit with the liberal crowd either because some of them openly do haram things or even leave Islam. I just wish I could find people who are balanced - is that too much to ask? Most Muslims I meet are on one extreme or the other. It’s rare to find someone in the middle with a mindset like mine. School was a struggle - I repeated a grade and fell a year behind, and I eventually had to quit college because I was failing. Recently a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Asperger’s and ADHD, and I’ve just started medication. Right now I’m working a minimum-wage job and trying to plan next steps: I want to get an IT certification to land an entry-level role or internship, then build from there. Going back to college feels too late and too expensive. I keep asking Allah (SWT) why my path has been so difficult and I make dua that He guides me and opens a way, because it feels impossible most days. Jazakum Allahu khairan for reading and listening to me. May Allah grant ease and guidance to all of us.