Seeking advice from a tired heart, and God is my help.

Peace be upon you and God's mercy. I'm a lost guy and thank God for everything. I'm writing this while I'm in my worst mental state. I remember back when I was a kid, not even nine years old, I was living in a house filled with yelling and issues between my parents, who took out their anger on me and my siblings. I grew up with a weak personality, and there was no one to teach me right from wrong. By the end of the third grade, my parents separated, and I was really broken. I saw my mom leave the house, and I cried with my little brothers 'cause I had no idea what was going on. After the separation, the competition for attention disappeared, and I started learning things I didn't know before. I began watching forbidden stuff when I was young, and no one was watching me. Then my dad married a second wife who was really kind and cared for me like a second mom. She would make me breakfast, help with my clothes, and that feeling brought warmth that I hadn’t felt before. But shortly after, that wife committed suicide after giving birth to my brother due to postpartum depression. That time was catastrophic for all of us, and the house was filled with investigations and negativity, and as a child, I didn’t know how to comfort anyone. Then I went back to being alone and learned bad habits without anyone teaching me how to pray or draw closer to God. I got into masturbation, and my preferences gradually changed, leaning towards boys, 'cause I was looking for someone to care for me. I'm not justifying it, just explaining it. I met some people online and went through an exploitative experience that made me hate myself. I let the situation pass by while fear and shame took over, and my isolation increased, especially during the quarantine. Three years of all that suffering, then I met someone on the phone who made me feel like someone cared about me, but after a disagreement between us, I went back to square one. What matters is that before the end of my third year of middle school, there was a change at home: my dad returned to God, started praying, and advising us. I was happy and participated in prayers, thinking I was starting a new life. My mental state improved a lot, and I started praying at the mosque. But after a while, I regressed, fell back into distractions, chats, and online games, distancing myself from what I was before, and people who were close to me started to drift away. Sometimes I feel like I'm split inside: I know what harms me, and I want to leave it, but I can't. I want to escape the whirlwind I've been living in for four years. Everyone has their hopes pinned on me, and their words hurt because they expect success from me, while I feel like a failure. Now I'm trying to mix with people at school, but I'm still that sidelined person. I'm not excited about studying or about life. I'm asking for practical, honest advice to help me get out of this cycle. I want to settle down, return to God, pray without exaggeration, fix my tendencies, and better myself, fulfilling the hopes of those who love me and not let them down. Forgive me for the long message, and may God reward you for any kind word or helpful advice.