Realizing My Own Hardships Made Me See the Need for Mercy

Assalamu alaykum. I wanted to share something personal that's been weighing on me. It’s not about discussing a famous person's life in detail-I don't want to speculate or speak ill of anyone who has passed away. This might sound a bit different, but I could really use some advice because it's starting to affect me, especially the last part. For some background, I recently found out that I have autism. I often get stuck in really intense fixations that turn into overthinking and feeling down. Once I’m in that zone, it’s hard to just move on. This time, I got deeply caught up in learning about the life of a well-known singer, particularly how he talked about children and their purity. He did a lot of charity work with kids, and it struck me how much he cared about them. He loved being around people. Even after facing so much hardship, he still managed to forgive those who hurt him. It was clear he carried pain from missing out on his own childhood, and in many ways, I felt a connection to that. I feel a deep sadness for everything he went through. What I realized after this deep dive was how much my own attitude toward people and children had changed. My empathy is really hard to control. Sometimes I’m distant and cold, and other times I take on people’s pain too heavily. I ended up isolating myself from everyone because I couldn’t handle the emotional overload anymore. As my sensory issues got worse, I started seeing children as triggers instead of innocent beings, and people as a burden. At the same time, I began feeling hatred toward the world in general. This came from both disliking myself and being angry after some bad experiences with others. Looking back now, I can see how wrong that mindset was. One of the first questions I asked myself after realizing all this was, why did I ignore the teachings about mercy from Islam and our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ for so long? My heart had turned hard, and for the first time, I feel I need to change that before it’s too late. I believe Allah guided me through this unexpected journey. By learning about this person’s story. SubhanAllah, guidance really does come in many forms. We don’t know what his beliefs were toward the end of his life. Part of why I feel so sad is that I keep overthinking the uncertainty of his fate in the hereafter, and it’s devastating to think about whether he may or may not be forgiven. It makes you wonder how Muslims cope when loved ones pass away without iman. Still, I genuinely hope he passed away with some faith in his heart. My emotions overflow about something I have no control over, and I can’t hold them back. May Allah have mercy on him.