When the heart feels too heavy to carry on

Assalamualaikum folks, this might get a bit lengthy but I've got nobody to really open up to about this, so please excuse me if I get a little emotional. I honestly can't stand myself anymore. There's no self-respect left in me, no kindness toward my own soul, and no reason to keep pushing forward except for my father and Allah. The rest of my family would be heartbroken I guess, but truthfully my biggest worry is my dad. A few years back, my mother returned to Allah. Since then I've mostly been on my own, even though I live with my father I spend the whole day alone until he gets back at night. I've gotten used to solitude – lived by myself for 3 years during university and made some close buddies for the first time. But I just feel like a total failure as a human being. The little things I've managed to do mean nothing to me. I see myself as a waste of space and honestly someone who doesn't deserve respect. I've lost respect from my friends because I fell into the same sin after promising I wouldn't. I've lost respect for myself because of that too. Do I really have to live with myself for the rest of my days? Why must I keep living for other people? Why do I have to force myself just to get through another day? I haven't lost hope in Allah's mercy, I've lost hope in myself. I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to lean on my friends because well, my closest friend probably wouldn't even call me his closest friend. Same goes for all of them. I'm just a placeholder person. Why can't I just cut ties with society completely? Why is this lifestyle of staying connected to people forced on us? It doesn't make sense to me. I'm worth nothing to anyone. I hate myself for the sins I've done, and I've asked Allah for forgiveness countless times. If I want to worship Allah fully, which I'd love to do in the mountains where no one depends on me and I don't depend on anyone, why do I still have to stay in touch with others? If I'm such a disappointment why can't I just be left alone instead of hearing that I'm destined for big things and greater achievements? Even for that I'd have to deal with people. I'm done with people. I'm tired of knowing that I have to stay alive for others who probably couldn't care less and would move on after a while. I don't know when my value got linked to people, but now it feels like it can't be unlinked and I just have to live with it. Thinking about ending things brings me a strange comfort that it's in my hands, but I stop myself because Allah wouldn't approve. But why, why must I put up with so much that I could live without? I've started pulling away from my friends. I don't think anyone truly cares about my struggles at this point and honestly, why should they? They're my problems, I brought all this wrong upon myself. Why can't I just take it out on myself? I just want to be gone, so I don't have to deal with myself anymore. I don't have any worth now. I don't think I ever will. I'm just a lazy person who clings to others trying to distract myself from my own issues. I might end it all soon, and I pray Allah forgives me.