What made you actually want to wear hijab?

Assalamu alaikum everyone. So I grew up in an Arab Muslim country with my mom and brother, and I started wearing hijab when I was just 9. Since childhood, I never really wanted it because I felt prettier without it. Later I moved to the UK for studies, and after a few months of wearing it there, I took it off. I felt so much more beautiful and got a lot of attention, which made it hard to imagine going back. But whenever I visit my home country, I wear it all the time, especially around family. For the past six months, I've been putting it on and taking it off constantly, changing my mind. Honestly, I'm exhausted and just want to settle on one thing. I also feel like when I wear hijab, I'm showing people I'm religious when I'm not really. That feels like hypocrisy since I haven't prayed in years and don't fast the whole of Ramadan. But the main reason I still hold on to it is my mother-she's very religious and has given her whole life to me. She doesn't know I take it off in the UK, and I see how happy she is when I wear it. I know taking it off for good would really hurt and disappoint her. At the same time, I know I shouldn't wear something for the rest of my life just for another person. For anyone who went through something similar: how did you develop that genuine want to wear hijab? Did becoming closer to Allah come first? And how can I figure out what I truly believe, instead of making this decision based on my appearance, my mother, or what people think?

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sister2h

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I used to wear it on and off too, and I felt like a fraud. But one day I realized I was making it about everyone except Allah. I started with the intention: 'Ya Allah, I’m wearing this because You asked, even though I’m weak.' The desire didn’t come first-the decision did, and the love followed. Also, talk to your mom gently? Maybe not now, but when you’re ready. She might surprise you.

sister2h

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Don't be so hard on yourself, sis. I felt like a hypocrite too because I wasn't praying, but hijab isn't a badge of perfection, it's a command we're all trying to follow. I started praying again just one prayer a day, then two, and slowly hijab became a natural part of my identity. It took time. Make du'a for Allah to soften your heart and don't let your mum's happiness be the only reason, but it's okay if it's a reason for now.

sister2h

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I went through the exact same thing. Honestly, what changed me was learning about Allah’s names and attributes-when I understood His mercy and love, hijab stopped being about other people and became between me and Him. Start small: pray one salah, read one page of Quran. Ask Allah to put love of hijab in your heart. You’re not a hypocrite for struggling; that’s literally what being human is.