The struggle of waiting patiently

I’m engaged to a man I truly care for, and we were supposed to have our nikkah this year. My family and I even traveled back to our home country for it, but then some folks started spreading odd rumors about my fiancé, which brought some doubt and trouble. Alhamdulillah, things got sorted out eventually. But by then, there were already other problems-my dad and uncles were still against it since they wanted me to marry a cousin-and everyone agreed there just wasn’t enough time to handle everything properly and hold the nikkah this year. So they pushed it to next year. What’s tough for me is the waiting itself. It’s not that I’m in a rush to be a wife or can’t wait for the walima. It’s more that I truly like him as a person and love our chats, and it stings knowing I have to keep a respectful distance until we’re actually halal for each other. We don’t text constantly or even daily, and we don’t overstep any Islamic limits. But even when we do have a proper conversation, I still get this guilt because, let’s face it, we’re not married yet. I can’t just talk to him as openly as my heart wants. We share so many interests and have endless things to discuss, and I’m always spotting little things I’d love to send his way-a funny meme, a random thought, something cool I came across, or just a regular chat without overthinking whether I should even be talking to him. Here’s the ironic part: I’m usually the one reminding him we should talk less or keep our chats minimal. He totally gets it and respects my wish, which I’m grateful for. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling down about it. I’ll say we need to hold back, and then I’m the one wishing we could just talk. I’m not trying to complain about having haya or setting limits. I just didn’t expect this wait to hit so hard, especially when I love our conversations so much and feel like we could talk about anything under the sun. And now there’s still a whole year ahead.