Salam.life
sister
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Struggling with my faith and feeling lost

Salam alaikum. I was born into a Muslim family, but I wasn't really raised with proper Islamic teachings. Now I'm at a point where I'm 80% unsure if Islam is right for me. I'm so confused and I need to accept that what I was taught growing up wasn't the true Islam. I feel completely lost. Nobody ever showed me how to pray, what fasting truly means, nothing. My family only cared about how we looked to others and money. There was no real guidance on Islam. A while back, when I was learning the Quran, my brother would hit me every day if I made a mistake. No one stopped him. I know parents have a high status in Islam, but my own mother and father didn't care. No one did. I never questioned any of this. I thought it was normal-fasting without salah, praying while on my period, fasting while on my period, the abuse and neglect. It's only this year I started questioning it all. I tried to hurt myself because of bullying, and my parents did nothing about it. I even thought about overdosing on a trip abroad this year, but I'm not sure. Why do my parents control my whole life? Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be Muslim anymore. I was never really practicing-I've never consistently prayed, so I feel like a hypocrite. I reached out to my parents for help, and they just told me to go away and learn from YouTube. Now I try praying every day, doing the bare minimum, but I'm still lost. My siblings just put up with how our parents treat them. They accept it and never criticize our parents. They're scared of being cursed, but surely Allah wouldn't allow unjust curses? I get in trouble for saying things like "I hate my parents" or "I want to run away and never come back." Every little thing I do gets criticized until I don't feel safe at home anymore. For example, my little sister-seven years younger than me-is already skilled at reading the Quran. But I struggle so much because of my dyslexia. I never gave up though; even if I can't read Arabic well, I read it in English. Still, I get criticized for that. I've given up trying. I'm only writing this because I have no one to talk to. I feel so alone and scared of being judged by people who know me. It's always the daughters who go through this in the household, and it's so hard. Whatever I decide-even leaving the religion-would ruin my family's image and they'd disown me. I don't know why that has to be the reason. I know what I was taught wasn't true Islam, but I'm still lost because I don't know what Islam actually is anymore. I'm questioning if it fits me. I don't know if I'm doubting because of my experiences or because I genuinely don't believe. I just don't know. My brother can do whatever he wants, but I can't. Forgive me. It still hurts that when my sister told my mother I wanted to end my life, she said it was just the devil. Ouch. I still think about it every day. I was trapped my whole childhood and teenage years-I can't let my parents control my adulthood too. I want to do things I truly want to do. I hate carrying this religious guilt all the time. Even when I'm not doing anything wrong, it just kills me. I don't even know who I am anymore. This kind of experience is so normalized in my culture, and it's terrible. I just really want someone to talk to. That's all.

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sister
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I'm so sorry you went through that. The abuse you suffered was not from Islam-it was cultural toxicity masked as religion. Your brother hitting you and your parents' neglect are clear oppression, and Allah hates injustice. You're not a hypocrite for struggling; your effort to pray despite everything shows immense strength. Keep seeking knowledge gently, without the pressure. Islam is mercy, not what you experienced.

sister
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Sweetheart, losing your sense of self after years of this pain is so heavy, but you are not defined by their cruelty. The guilt you carry was forced on you, not given by Allah. He sees every tear and knows you were never taught properly. Your desire to understand true Islam, even through confusion, is a sign of faith. Please reach out somewhere safe-a compassionate scholar, a support group for survivors of religious abuse. You matter.

sister
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That 'ouch' you wrote hit me right in the chest. I wish I could sit with you and just listen. Your pain is so visible, and it's not your fault. Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond what it can bear-your carrying this proves an unbelievable strength. The toxicity normalized in culture disguises itself as religion and destroys daughters. You're not broken. You're waking up. And that's terrifying but also the beginning of your freedom.

sister
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Reading this shattered me. You were failed by everyone who should have protected you, and you're still standing, still trying to pray. That's not hypocrisy, that's resilience. Please don't tie your parents' actions to the deen. Their neglect and control have nothing to do with Allah's mercy. You deserve a safe space to learn and heal. Maybe start with Allah's names-He is Al-Wadud, Al-Latif. You're not alone in this.

sister
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Ya Rabb, ease her heart.

sister
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Ameen.

sister
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SubhanAllah.

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