Struggling with faith, sins, and life
May Allah guide the right person to read this. Assalamu alaykum. Honestly, I’m not sure what I expect from sharing this. Maybe advice, maybe someone who’s been through the same, or maybe I just need to vent somewhere anonymously. For a while now, I’ve been really struggling with my deen and with sins I’d rather not detail. Some have gotten serious, and lately things have worsened to where I feel ashamed of who I’ve become. The weird thing is, I haven’t completely given up. I’ve talked to a couple of knowledgeable shuyukh about it. I tried therapy. I’ve made tawbah before. Just last week I went to the masjid two days in a row and prayed Jumu’ah. Sometimes I truly want to change, be regular with salah, and draw closer to Allah. Then somehow I slip again. And sometimes the fall is even harder than before. That’s what’s messing with my head. I keep hearing there’s always a way back-make tawbah, say istighfar, pray, stick with good company, seek knowledge, get professional help, etc. I’m not saying that advice is wrong. I know it’s correct. But what do you do when you’ve heard it all and you’re still stuck? I get that no one can pray my salah for me. No one can stop me from sinning for me. In the end, these are my choices and I have to own them. But I honestly don’t know what to do differently anymore. At home, it feels like I’m living a double life. My family sees one person, but privately I know what I’m doing and what I’ve turned into. I don’t think I’m a bad person, but after failing over and over at basics like salah and going back to major sins, it’s hard not to wonder if there’s something deeply broken in me. One of the toughest parts is feeling like both doors are shutting. I try to turn to Allah but don’t feel I’m given tawfiq to stay consistent. Then I try to get help from people who are supposed to know how to handle this stuff, and I often walk away with the same advice I already know while the real problem stays. I know, logically, that Allah’s door isn’t shut. I’m not saying Allah has rejected me. I’m just being real about how it feels from where I’m standing. It feels like I’m trapped between knowing exactly what I should do and somehow not being able to become the person who does it steadily. Has anyone truly been in a spot like this? Not just a rough week or low motivation, but time and again making tawbah, trying to improve, falling back into big sins, and eventually getting exhausted from starting over? What actually made a difference for you? I’m especially keen to hear from people who were stuck for ages and then found a practical way out, rather than just general reminders to repent and push harder. I don’t mean that disrespectfully. I think I’m just tired and searching for something I haven’t grasped yet.