Struggling to grasp life’s pattern through an Islamic lens

Assalamu alaikum. I used to hold that Allah is entirely merciful, knows our hearts, and never turns away from those honestly striving for good. I’ve tried my best not to cause harm, even in small ways, and often felt guilty asking for blessings for myself without praying the same for others. But after all that’s unfolded, I’m lost in confusion. Year after year, life has grown heavier, while I see folks who care less about kindness gliding through with ease. I can’t fathom how a Lord described as endlessly compassionate could witness what my mother and I have lived through for decades and stay silent. So much of our youth and energy has been drained just to keep standing. Instead of building resilience, I’m tired, resentful, hopeless, and sometimes so buried in it all that I wish I could just fade away rather than carry on hurting like this. Please spare me the familiar phrases: “Allah knows best,” “there’s wisdom behind it,” “this will forge your strength,” or “one day it’ll all turn around.” I know the prophets’ stories and the lessons on sabr and tawakkul. That’s exactly what I clung to-trusted, waited, let go, and reminded myself Allah had a plan. But my circumstances didn’t lighten; they darkened. At times I wonder if I’d have been better off believing from the start that no help was coming and I had to claw for everything alone. Maybe I would’ve dared more, chosen differently, and leaned less on hoping doors would swing open. What is all this pain meant to yield? Strength? I feel weaker, less hopeful, less driven, and more distant from a God who supposedly counts every tear and every aching night but lets them drag on. I’m not even longing for a miracle anymore. Sometimes I just crave a single day without weeping or feeling shattered. Honestly, I think my iman has slipped away. I’m not here for someone to defend the deen at all costs. I want to hear from anyone who’s truly hit this rock bottom-who questioned God’s quiet, life’s unevenness, tawakkul, and that suffering doesn’t always lead to ease or toughness-and still found a way to believe without fooling themselves. Because right now, I can’t. Jazakallah khair to anyone who shares their heart.