Something’s missing inside, no matter what I do

Bismillah. Maybe I just don’t fit in today’s world, or any world at all. I don’t get excited about the stuff that usually makes people happy. I’d rather keep to myself, but my work pushes me into constant talking, and being social is huge for success there. It’s not hard for me to chat with folks, but once I’m home after, I just feel low, like it would’ve been better to stay quiet. I don’t hate talking because I can’t; I just don’t want to. My brother once took me somewhere with fake snow. Everyone in our group got into it, chucking snow at each other, laughing so genuinely you could see it on their faces. Me? I was just trying to blend in, keeping a smile pasted on, tossing snow so I wouldn’t look awkward. Being around people drains me sick. When I try to better my faith, I get stuck on wanting to be perfect. At first, I think maybe I can be really devout, but then I slip and sin, and the next couple days feel heavy, like I’m just a messed-up, awful person. So I tell myself to stick to the obligatory acts. I go to the masjid, pray with my body but my mind is drifting, then come home and scroll my phone. Nothing there either, just some games to kill time. And then emptiness again. There’s more, but I can’t fit it all here. Some feelings might be built-in, but a lot comes from my choices, my sins, my surroundings. People tell me to see a therapist, but I don’t want that—same issue, not wanting to be around anyone. I used to point fingers at the system or the world, but now I see I’m the problem, not them. I don’t know why I’m sharing this. Maybe later I’ll regret it or just feel hollow again. May Allah SWT forgive us all.