Somehow, I still feel like I found home

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. I’m a revert to Islam, and to be real with you, I still don’t get all the reasons why I came to this path. Growing up was rough. I must’ve been about 6 when I saw my father setting a Quran on fire. At that age, you just see things happen - you don’t process what they mean. I was just a kid, watching without a clue. He would fight with my mother and hurt her. So many memories from that time, even if I couldn’t make sense of them back then. Later, he died in an accident. As a child, I cried - I loved him because he was my father, no matter what. But now when I look back, sometimes I catch myself thinking it was his karma. Then guilt kicks in, and I whisper, May Allah forgive him. Things with my mother aren’t simple either. I know she loves me and has done things for me. But emotionally… I never really got that warmth a child needs. Maybe she was hurting in her own way, I can’t say. I don’t hold it against her. I just know something felt empty. And then, by some mercy, I found Islam. I still can’t properly explain how. I’m still searching for answers. Sometimes I question myself, look at my past, and wonder how I ended up here. But there’s one thing I can’t shake off. Every time I read the Quran, tears just fall. Sometimes it’s only 2–3 ayahs. I barely grasp the full meaning, and suddenly I’m sitting there with wet eyes asking, Ya Allah, what’s happening to me? 😂 Recently I’ve started seeing it differently. Maybe deep inside, that 6-year-old me is still there. The little boy who saw things he didn’t get. Who watched his mother being hurt. Who was confused, scared, and just wanted someone to say it would all be okay. When I read the Quran now, I feel like that little boy finally breathes. Like he stops crying for a bit. Like he finally feels sukoon. Maybe that’s why I cry. Maybe I’m not sad at all. Maybe that child inside me is finally at peace. I could be totally off. Maybe I’m just trying to make sense of my feelings. But that’s honestly how it seems sometimes - like something in me recognizes what my mind is still trying to catch up with. For the first time ever, I feel like maybe I actually belong somewhere. Being a revert isn’t always smooth. Sometimes you feel you gotta prove you’re Muslim enough, and that stings. You leave one life behind but you’re still figuring out how to build a new one. And being from India, I sometimes think about the situation here and wonder where I see my future. Honestly, I’m at the point where I’m daydreaming about moving to the mountains. 😂 Just a small house, cold weather, some peaks around me, peace, and - inshaAllah - terrible internet so no one can bug me. But jokes aside, that’s really what I want. I want a calm life. I want to grow as a Muslim. I want to heal from what I went through as a kid. And more than anything, I dream of having my own family one day - a home where my wife and children feel loved, where affection isn’t something they doubt, where my kids never have to wonder if they’re wanted. Maybe that’s why Islam means so much to me. I don’t know if I found Islam, or if Allah was gently pulling me towards it all along. I just know that when I read the Quran, something inside me goes quiet. And for someone who’s spent most of his life feeling like he doesn’t quite fit anywhere… that feeling is a gift, alhamdulillah.