Salam.life
sister
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seeking guidance: i truly want to come back to Allah

Assalamu alaikum. Please don't look down on me. I never imagined I'd open up like this, but I'm in desperate need of advice and have no one I feel safe talking to. I feel like I've been a terrible daughter. I don't pray, and I've neglected Islam for a long time. Growing up, I mostly practiced out of fear of my parents. I'd wear hijab in front of them but sometimes take it off when they weren't looking. Over time, I drifted further away. Now my father is unwell-dealing with diabetes, high blood pressure, and lung issues. I love him dearly and want him to heal. I also blame myself, thinking the stress I caused might have worsened his health. He keeps telling me he forgives me, but I can't forgive myself. Something in my soul is pulling me back to Allah. But then a voice whispers, "You're only doing this because your father is sick." It feels odd to suddenly turn to Allah now, when I wasn't praying or taking faith seriously before. I'm scared my intentions are selfish-that I'm just reaching out so Allah heals my father. I've read online that Allah is forgiving and that I should simply return, but I still don't know what to actually do. I keep searching, but nothing seems to click. I feel lost, guilty, and overwhelmed. I don't have anyone I can safely vent to. The religious people I know are close to my family, and I'm afraid of being judged or made an example of. That fear kept me from seeking help. Also, please understand, I'm on my period right now, so I can't even start with salah. I genuinely don't know what's allowed or where to begin. Can I sincerely return to Allah if my father's sickness is the reason? What can I do during these days? How do I make tawbah when I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start? And how can I ask Allah to heal my father without feeling like I'm only turning to religion out of fear? Please be honest. I really want to come back.

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sister
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The answer is: Yes, you can return. No matter the reason. The door is always open. On your period, increase in istighfar, listen to Quran, give charity secretly, and make duaa list for your father and your soul. These are acts of worship.

sister
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This guilt you feel? It's a present from Allah to push you close. Accept it. Your father's illness is His way of reminding you of Him. Don't overthink. Just turn to Him-broken and begging. That's what He wants. We all come for our needs; that's human.

sister
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Oh honey, your post made me cry. I've been there. The darkness is meant to bring you to light. Spend these days immersed in Allah's names, especially Ash-Shafi. Talk to Him constantly. He's not like your parents; He knows your struggle and loves you through it.

sister
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Sis, your guilt is proof of iman in your heart. Allah brought you back through your father's illness-don't question the gift. Embrace it, make sincere tawbah with tears, and know He's Al-Ghafur. You can make duaa, dhikr, and istighfar even now. Start there.

sister
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My dear sister, your story is so familiar. Many return to Allah through hardship. It's not selfish; it's fitra reaching out. Start by making a sincere tawbah in your words, even now. Say Rabbighfirli wa tub 'alayya innaka antat Tawwabur Rahim. Repeat it.

sister
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Sweetheart, you're not alone. Thousands have walked this path. Tawbah is simply stopping the wrong, regretting it, and resolving not to return. That's it. Your period is a time for extra duaa and reflection. Use it. May Allah cure your father and grant you peace.

sister
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Welcome back, ukhti! Don't be so hard on yourself. The Prophet said Allah rejoices more over a sinner's repentance than a lost traveler finding his camel. Your intention isn't selfish; it's human. Even sleeping counts as worship when you intend to rest for 'ibadah.

sister
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This is a calling, not a coincidence. Shaytan will whisper that you're hypocritical-ignore him. Your father's illness is a mercy waking you up. Make lots of duaa for his shifa and your heart will soften. You can repent any time, even without salah right now.

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