My struggle with hijab and sensory overload

Assalamu alaikum, so I started wearing hijab like 2 years ago and this week I just stopped. I don’t fully get why my journey was so tough – it went from hating how I looked, to kinda liking it, to just not feeling like me anymore. I felt this pressure, like the only reason I kept it on was because I was scared of what people would say if I took it off. When I first put it on, even though it was loose, it felt like I couldn’t breathe – maybe because I’ve always had a hard time with change. Then during finals I hit a breaking point, had a full breakdown, couldn’t study, just sobbing at the thought of putting it on again. I always thought everyone felt these burdens. I went from using a million pins to almost none, and if the wind moved my scarf my heart would drop – like full fight or flight mode. At the end of the day, seeing it crooked didn’t just bug me, it hit deep in my chest, I can’t even describe it. The undercap slipping, everything, it all piled up and left me so burned out. It feels like a weight on me when I wear it, like paper touching my neck. I tried different undercaps, different fabrics – nothing worked. After that breakdown I just felt empty and stressed out. I ended up suspecting I might have high-functioning autism, got checked, and yeah, I was diagnosed. Turns out all this was sensory overload. For my whole life I had bangs, and going two years without them under hijab – I just didn’t feel like myself. Alhamdulillah, I think I look good with hijab, maybe even better, and my hair’s nothing special, but I can’t help it, it doesn’t feel like me. My doctor said maybe wear it loosely or half-way, but with my autism that feels worse, like being a hypocrite – for me it’s all or nothing. The idea of it just makes me more upset. When I took it off, it was like a weight lifted, that overstimulation was ruining my mood completely. I feel really guilty because it’s fard and not wearing it is haram, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t force myself – just imagining it makes me feel suffocated. I plan to try again someday, inshaAllah, but right now I can’t. At university, people might judge me or give me looks for taking it off, especially where I live – a rural area where folks assume it’s for attention or something. But it’s not that, I just don’t feel myself, and trying to ignore it only built up till I broke. It felt like I wasn’t even wearing it for the right reasons, just fear of others, and that suffocated me more. I went out once without it and felt better outside, but with uni starting soon I’m scared of the judgment. Still, if someone tells me to just wear it, I genuinely can’t – I’ll probably have another breakdown and won’t be able to study or anything. I gave it my all, but no one gets it. People say “we all struggle” – but it’s not about feeling ugly, it’s the sensory stuff that triggers my body into fight or flight because of autism. Change is so hard for me. I feel awful disappointing my parents, and worse because it’s haram and I’m scared Allah won’t forgive me or give me barakah. But I truly tried, I just need a break to maybe try again later. I don’t even know what kind of responses I’m hoping for. People might just say I’m exaggerating or to get over it, but they don’t understand how autism and sensory issues work – it’s not small or easy to ignore when it’s in your face all day. I just feel lost.