My older brother is my wali, but his anger and behavior make me feel trapped about my future

Assalamualaikum. I’m having a really hard time with my older brother, and it’s weighing on me because he’s supposed to be my wali for marriage. Honestly, I feel stuck and anxious about what’s ahead. My brother has always had a quick temper. He gets harsh fast, holds onto grudges forever, and if someone disagrees with him, he can just blow up. There’s a lot of history here. My father was very strict when we were growing up, especially with my brother. After high school, my brother worked with my father until about age 25, but they clashed a lot. Things got messy. My brother started being really disrespectful to my father and also struggled with my mother. I know my father had his flaws and was too strict sometimes - I’m not saying he was perfect. But even after my father softened and became much gentler, my brother still carried so much bitterness. He’d yell at him sometimes, and he could be really harsh with my mother too. My mother often defended my brother when my father was upset with him. Now my father has passed away, may Allah have mercy on him. I thought my brother changed a bit after that, but then the old patterns creep back. He doesn’t like being told what to do, especially by me. I feel like he really dislikes taking advice from a woman. Is that some kind of patriarchal mindset, or am I reading it wrong? Just a small thing that happened: I said something simple like, “Let’s eat outside tomorrow.” He got angry right away and snapped, “Tomorrow is Friday. People have Friday prayer.” I obviously meant after Jummah, like lunch or dinner. But instead of just asking, “Do you mean after the prayer?” he jumped to anger and made me feel like I said something ridiculous. This happens so often. If I don’t phrase things perfectly, he gets mad and somehow turns it around on me. I also feel like he’s extra sensitive with me, specifically. Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed me with rizq and made my work easier lately. I’m juggling two jobs now because I want to save up, help my mother, and build a future for myself. I’m even paying for house renovations out of my own pocket because things need fixing. My brother works for Grab, but honestly, from what I see, he spends most of his time at home playing games and lounging around. I don’t feel like he’s seriously trying to earn a living. But I know if I say anything like that, he’ll explode and insist he’s trying and working hard. I don’t want to insult him. I just genuinely don’t get why he reacts so strongly to any kind of criticism. There was also this situation where my mother asked him to help clean during the renovations. Since I work two jobs, I can’t always be there physically for housework. Even when I had one job, I still helped when I could. But my brother has made comments like, “Oh, the one who works and has money doesn’t help Mom because she’s too busy making money.” He doesn’t actually help with what my mother asks. And the thing is, he still doesn’t think he really disobeyed my father. He justifies what he did. I mean, he disrespected and fought and made my father so angry, and he didn’t really grow up. Since he was 25, he just stayed at home in the shop front, waiting for my father’s customers to buy things - we have a metal shop in front of the house. My mother usually handled it, but then he just got spoiled and took over. It’s such an easy, non-time-consuming job. What did he do? Literally sleeping and playing games. He’s also implied that I don’t really work and that I just sit around chatting and laughing with coworkers. I honestly don’t know where that comes from. Some relatives, like my aunt and uncle, sometimes defend him. They say we can’t blame him because he grew up really isolated, didn’t socialize much, and probably struggled with depression or other difficulties. I don’t know what’s true anymore. The bigger problem is: he’s my wali. I want to get married one day, inshaAllah. I want my mother, my grandmother, my aunts and uncles, and the people I love to be part of my wedding. But my brother doesn’t like some of my relatives, especially my aunt and her husband, because of old conflicts and grudges. My aunt can have a sharp tongue and isn’t perfect, but she has many good qualities and I love her. My brother also carries heavy resentment toward my grandmother over things that happened in the past. And this is where I get confused. My grandmother made mistakes toward my father and our family, I know that. But those things are in the past. If my father forgave her, why should I stay angry? What if she sincerely repented? She’s still a servant of Allah. I also hope that if I ever make a big mistake in life, people will forgive me. I don’t want to go through life hauling other people’s grudges. So I’m wondering: Am I wrong for wanting to decide how my own wedding looks? Am I wrong for wanting my grandmother there? Am I wrong for wanting my mother and other family involved? Should my older brother, as my wali, have a big say in these things? And more importantly, is he actually suitable to be my wali? I know the concept of wali in Islam is serious, and I don’t want to just replace him because I dislike his personality. On my father’s side, there aren’t really other close male relatives. There are male cousins from my father’s siblings, and I have my maternal uncle, but I don’t know how the order works or who would qualify. My brother also doesn’t regularly go to the mosque for obligatory prayers. He doesn’t socialize much - mostly stays home, plays games, or does Grab occasionally. A few neighbors visit sometimes, but he doesn’t really have a social life. I don’t know if any of this matters Islamically for being a wali, or if I’m just letting my personal feelings cloud things. I feel really sad because I can’t seem to guide my own life without worrying that my wali is someone I’m scared of upsetting. I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to disrespect him. I also don’t want to ignore the Islamic role of a wali. But I also don’t want my entire marriage and future controlled by someone who gets extremely angry whenever I disagree. I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do. For Muslims reading this: how does this actually work Islamically? What makes someone qualified to be a wali, and what happens if the wali is unsuitable, absent, refuses without a valid reason, or has a seriously broken relationship with the woman? And please don’t just tell me to obey my brother. I’m really asking about the Islamic rules and what my options are. I don’t want to move out alone, I know that’s not allowed, but sometimes when he’s moody and angry, it honestly hurts my heart. It feels like it’s squeezing. I’m not someone who cries easily, but sometimes I nearly cry because I don’t understand him and he won’t communicate clearly. I also can’t just accept the excuse that he’s depressed. I work two jobs, I’m expected to get up and clean or they’ll call me lazy, I’m supposed to always smile and be the one who understands while he gets to be mad all the time and only smiles occasionally. Help me :(