my faith is slipping away

i don’t even know why i’m writing this, but read it if you want. i finally admitted it to myself for the first time, and honestly i’m terrified. i’ve never felt so lost and unsure in all my 25 years. i guess it was inevitable. i’ve never been consistent with my prayers, and i come from a family that’s really practicing. i can fake it-i say the right things around others, and i wear hijab even though i feel empty inside about it. but one thing i always held onto was my connection with Allah. when i hear the birds at fajr, or when a breeze feels especially soothing, or even in a kind smile from a sister, i feel His presence. i thought that even though i fail at so much as a muslimah-and as a person-at least i had these moments, and that kept me tied to my iman. then i realized something: if you can’t believe in yourself, it becomes almost impossible to believe in God. and i’ve spent almost twenty years thinking my existence was a mistake, and that hasn’t changed. i wish i had died as a child, before i became the sinful person i am now. so now, talking out loud to Allah during my breakdowns doesn’t bring me comfort anymore. it just feels like knocking on a door, crying for help, with this terrifying thought that maybe no one is there. i don’t know what to do now. i have no one to turn to, and i can’t bring myself to look up to Allah-i know He must be disappointed with what i’ve become, and that guilt has been eating me alive for so long. and when my life gets harder, as it always does, i don’t want to hear that voice inside me say again: “you asked Allah for help, and He never came.”