Lost in Regret After Repentance – Seeking Light Again

Assalamu alaikum, I need to get this off my chest. A while back, I went through a rough patch where I messed up big time. I was totally lost and did things that weighed heavy on my soul, mostly harming myself. Slowly, I found my way back to Islam, and when it hit me, I crumbled with guilt. I cried for weeks, begged for forgiveness, and turned my life around-learned to pray properly, read Quran, fasted, gave sadaqah, and tried to be the best to my family. Even though it hurt, I felt a strange peace, like I was finally in the light. That was a few years ago. Now, I’m a hollow version of myself. My past sins haunt me from the moment I wake up till I try to sleep, and nightmares creep in too. Shame just pours out of me. I force myself to eat and wash up, but deep down, I feel I don’t even deserve that. A heavy darkness has crept back, choking me and taking whatever peace I had. I still pray, give charity, and push myself to do good. I’ve made dua after dua, begging Allah for a way out, for true forgiveness, to not be chained by my worst moments. But I’m still stuck in this gloom. Today after salah, I opened the Quran hoping for a sign from Allah, some clarity. The page I landed on spelled out exactly the sin I committed. The ayah didn’t mention forgiveness, and my heart sank. Now I’m doubting if my tawbah was ever truly accepted. I can’t talk to anyone close about this, so I’m just letting it out here. I don’t know how to fix this ache. I’ve wished I was never born, or that I had left this dunya before dirtying myself against Allah’s commands. It feels like a lifelong punishment for mistakes I made when I was barely an adult. This darkness isn’t normal-it wasn’t there when I first repented. I’m desperate for an escape. Ya Allah, help me.