I Need an Honest Answer, Not Just Comfort

I always held onto the belief that Allah is purely good, sees who’s sincere, and never leaves someone truly striving for better. I tried hard not to hurt anyone, even without meaning to, and sometimes felt guilty asking for blessings for myself without wishing the same for others. But after all that’s happened, I’m not sure what to hold onto anymore. For years, life just kept sinking, while I’ve watched others who seem less thoughtful or kind get through with lighter burdens. I can’t grasp how a Lord described as endlessly merciful could witness what my mother and I have faced for decades and stay quiet. So much of our lives and younger years vanished just trying to get by. Instead of building strength, I feel drained, resentful, hopeless, and at times so heavy that I wish I could just stop existing instead of dragging through this pain. Please don’t offer me the familiar lines: “Allah knows best,” “there’s a wisdom,” “this will build you,” or “one day it will turn around.” I know the stories of the prophets and the lessons on sabr and tawakkul. That’s exactly what I practiced. I trusted, waited, let go, and reminded myself Allah was aware. But my reality didn’t lighten. It grew harsher. Sometimes I think-would my life have been easier if I’d believed from the start that no one was coming to rescue me, that I had to claw for everything myself? Maybe I’d have taken more leaps, chosen differently, and leaned less on hope that paths would open. What is all this hardship meant to create? Fortitude? I feel weaker, less hopeful, less driven, and less able to feel close to a God who supposedly counts every tear and every aching night yet lets them keep falling. I don’t even wish for miracles now. Sometimes I just wish for one day without tears, without feeling crushed. Honestly, I think I’ve lost my iman. I’m not asking for someone to defend the deen at any cost. I need to hear from a brother or sister who truly hit this point-who doubted Allah’s silence, the unfairness of dunya, tawakkul, and the fact that suffering doesn’t always lead to ease or strength-and still found a way back to belief without fooling themselves. Because right now, I can’t.