I miss Allah so much.

Assalamu alaikum, my sisters, I need to get something off my chest because I'm at a point where I can't even describe what I'm feeling. I miss Allah. So deeply. I used to be really religious, you know? My connection with Allah was everything. I prayed, watched my actions, and had this peace I truly loved. I wasn't perfect, but my faith meant the world to me. Then my life shattered. Three years ago, I went through a painful separation from a man I was set to marry. He wounded me deeply. On top of that, old childhood pain surfaced-stuff like abuse I'd locked away. Everything crashed down, and I lost myself. I fell into depression and stopped knowing who I was. Now I feel like the worst version of myself. I've been doing things against my values, sins I never thought I'd do. It's like I'm trying to fill this void inside me, always searching for something to ease the ache, but nothing ever works. I know these things hurt me, I know I'm straying from the person I used to be, but I can't break this loop. And the hardest part is my bond with Allah. I still pray my five daily prayers and wear hijab, alhamdulillah, but it feels like that's all that's left. I struggle to read the Qur'an, make dhikr, or do other acts of worship like before. I try to restart, push myself, promise to change, but I give up so fast. I slip back into sins, feel guilty, cry, beg Allah for forgiveness, then repeat the same errors. This cycle is tearing me apart. I feel such shame. Sometimes I wonder how I can face Allah after all I've done. I feel like I've wrecked everything I built spiritually, lost the girl I once was, and can't ever get that closeness back. I know Allah is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Raheem. I know the ayat about His mercy, and we're told not to despair of His forgiveness. But why can't I truly believe it in my heart? Why do I feel so unworthy? Sometimes I even have this awful thought: maybe Allah doesn't want me anymore. My life is falling apart too. I'm nearing 30 and feel I've wasted these three years. I've left my job, my studies, all my dreams. I've gained weight-maybe 30 kg-stopped caring for myself, let my looks go. Even my face has changed, looking dull and sad. I don't see beauty in myself anymore. I barely know the woman in the mirror. I've grown bitter, irritable, always unhappy and angry. I hate who I've become. I'm dealing with depression and seeing a therapist, but I keep asking why things aren't improving. Why, even with time and help, do I stay stuck? Meanwhile, my former fiancé seems to be living a wonderful life, moving ahead, while I'm still trapped in the hurt he caused three years ago. I know I shouldn't compare, but the unfairness feels crushing. I don't want to die. I want to live. I want my faith back, my gentleness, my joy, my femininity, my hopes. I want to care for myself again, feel pretty, motivated, excited. I want to be a woman I can be proud of. Above all, I want to feel near to Allah once more. I miss that link more than words can say. But I'm so tired. It's like I'm watching my life slip by, waiting for a shift, not knowing how to start. I'd truly love to hear your stories, sisters. Has any of you faced such a spiritual low after being so close to Allah? Have you gone through times of sinning, seeking forgiveness but fearing you'll fall again, feeling cut off from Him? Have you had depression that changed your whole self-your looks, drive, relationship with yourself? How did you find your way back to Allah? How did you rebuild your faith, self-worth, and life from nothing? I need to listen to women who hit bottom and somehow climbed out. Women who thought they'd ruined everything but found peace again. I need hope. I need to know it's possible to be lost for years and still return. May Allah forgive us, guide us, heal our hearts, and never abandon us in our struggles. I miss Allah. And I wish I didn't feel so far from Him anymore.