From Joy to Despair: A Heart in Turmoil

As-salamu alaykum. I was born into a Muslim family but we weren't practicing. About a year ago, I started to take my deen seriously. Like many who come back to Islam, I faced criticism and judgment from those around me. I learned to pray and was consistent with my salah. But now I'm in a very dark place. My iman is weak, and I'm doubting everything-my purpose, my faith, my reason for living. How I came back to Islam is another story. I met a Muslim man, much younger than me. He seemed different-very masculine, wise beyond his years, strong in faith, honest, and helpful. He had a fear of Allah and traditional values. Maybe not so gentle in how he'd treat a wife, but I fell in love and wanted to marry him. Some say I was brainwashed, maybe I was, maybe not. He would make me feel guilty about my past and how it didn't align with Islam. Then he said he couldn't marry me because of things he couldn't accept. After that, I lost my will to live, my motivation, my independence, my job, my personality, and even my relationships with family. Lately, I've been thinking about death. I feel sorry for myself. I understand why some people want to die. I don't know where to start. No motivation to move on, let go, start over, or even care. I don't know the cure. It feels like Islam isn't the answer. I feel like going back to my old ways, but those didn't work either-I was just hiding my sadness. This new path hasn't worked out either. I've been self-harming, depressed, suffering from poor health, and physically abused.