Feeling Lost with Family Struggles, Sadness, and Hurting Myself – Asking for Your Prayers and Advice

Assalamu alaikum, I’m a 23-year-old brother/sister having a really rough time. I’ll keep this short because I feel so ashamed about my situation and the people in my life-please don’t judge me. My parents split when I was little. From around 3 or 4, my dad would discipline me harshly, hitting me and forcing me to kneel on hard ground. After they separated, my mom didn’t treat me well either, so I moved in with my maternal grandparents. I lived with them until I was 20 and hardly saw my parents during all my school years. In high school, my stepdad (we never got along) walked out on my mom and never came back. After that, my mom came to stay with us at my grandparents’ place. A few years later, my dear grandparents passed away (inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un). I miss them every day. Once they were gone, it was just my mom and my younger brother (from my birth father), so I stayed to be with them. At first, my mom was kind to me, but slowly she started pushing me to find work. I got a job, but it was a really unhealthy place and my mental state got worse. I wanted to leave and go to university instead. My mom cried and said it would be too hard if I went, so I met her halfway: I kept a part-time job and signed up for a private university to focus on my studies. My late grandfather had a small shop in our village. My younger brother and I tried to keep it going, but my uncles (my mom’s brothers) got jealous and opened their own shops nearby, which made our sales fall. My mom didn’t step in to help. Instead, she’s usually on her phone and has gotten involved in things I can’t talk about out of respect. When I tried to gently mention it, she turned really toxic toward me. She says cruel things, that I’m worthless and just a burden eating food without contributing. My younger brother isn’t on a good path either, and he doesn’t show respect to people. So between my family, my job, and everything around me, the whole atmosphere feels poisoned. I’ve sunk into depression and I’m on medication now. One of my hardest struggles is self-harm. When sadness overwhelms me, I hurt myself because it brings a weird calm and a little relief. I know it’s wrong, and I’m trying to figure out why I do it. If anyone wants to share advice privately, I’m open to it. Please keep me in your du’as. Jazakallah khair for listening.