Feeling disheartened with my situation

Please be gentle with me and listen, I know my faith is struggling right now. These past few years with my spouse have been incredibly hard, and it’s left me broken. Even through the emotional pain and toxicity, I kept up my prayers, my hijab, and tried to do good. So many times I thought about removing my hijab, enjoying my youth, feeling beautiful, going out with friends, but I stayed for my marriage and home, trying to be a ‘righteous Muslim’-and because Allah knows my heart only ever longed for a peaceful home and love. I’m someone who likes staying in, taking care of myself, and I grew up watching films dreaming of that kind of love, but in a halal way. I’ve never been drawn to clubbing or haram stuff. Meanwhile, my home feels broken and my spouse is harsh. I look at distant friends and relatives living freely-no hijab, missing prayers, working in jobs with interest-and they seem to have it all: vacations, loving families, big houses, freedom. I also had a very simple, Islamic wedding that stressed my parents and made extended family act cold. Yet those who had big mixed weddings seem to have the happiest parents who got to enjoy the celebration. My parents deserved that too. I tried my best to do things right, and yet here I am. I’m not perfect, but when I slipped, I repented. I never asked for much, and I know Allah does as He wills, and He is the Most Merciful. It just breaks my heart that my life turned out this way. Every day I wake up saying istighfar and secretly wishing I could escape everything.