Changing My Mindset as an Intersex Muslim
Assalamu alaikum. For some background: I’m a revert and don’t see myself as transgender. I’m intersex-meaning I was born this way, it’s completely medical and biological, and not something I chose. I’ve been Muslim for about a year and a half, alhamdulillah, and lately I’ve been learning more and getting deeper into the deen. When I first embraced Islam, I was really unaware and probably held some wrong ideas that could’ve even been kufr. I didn’t have a community and was around people who didn’t have my best interests at heart. I used to think things like “progressive Islam” made sense and believed that stuff like homosexuality wasn’t clearly haram because of all the misleading stuff I saw online-I wasn’t fully aware of the details from the story of Prophet Lut. I now know both of those stances are incorrect. Before embracing Islam, though, I identified as transgender for years, but I never actually identified as female. I was born with some ambiguities and had an unusual puberty. Because doctors didn’t diagnose me right away at birth, I assumed I was transgender since I didn’t feel female. I’d rather not share too much out of modesty, but after becoming Muslim, two separate doctors confirmed two different medical abnormalities. My hormone tests showed both estrogen and testosterone were super low, and after starting treatment with a very low dose, my testosterone is now solidly in the male range. I saw three doctors; one agreed about an abnormality but was kind of dismissive since I wasn’t an adult yet at the time and tried to brush it off. I don’t feel okay going to another doctor soon for this-it makes me feel really vulnerable and exposed. Still, I have observable differences, two doctors confirmed them, and I had traits from both sexes before any medical intervention. I don’t identify as transgender and honestly feel repulsed by a lot of what that community promotes. But whenever Muslims speak against transgender people or the lgbt movement, I feel like they’re talking about me, like I’m being lumped in because I believed I was part of that for so long. How do I shift this mindset? What should I do? I don’t want to lose myself or feel down about something that isn’t even me anymore. I fully know I’m not transgender-only intersex. The hurt is just emotional, and I get that emotions alone don’t define what’s true. I worry I’m sinning though, even while I make dua about this, and as far as I know, being intersex isn’t haram. It’s just how I was created, and the medical care is to correct a health problem. I didn’t go from a typical female body to a male one; I went from abnormalities, physical pain, and lots of issues toward being male, and I’m still under medical care.